Possibly the Longest 5 Days of My Life

I am anticipating a visit this weekend from the love of my life. Well, technically I’m writing this on Sunday night so it’s still the weekend but this coming up Saturday is the day. Last time we saw each other in person was the 24th of last month. That’s a long time of texting, face timing, and talking on the phone. She’s driving down here this time. Last time I drove up there. I’ve never had a long distance relationship before now. Those of you who have know that it’s really hard. Especially if you actually want to be with the other person. Last night we face timed for like almost 3 hours. That’s harder on me because I can see her sweet face and I want to kiss her and I can’t. Hey Apple, Can you get on that invention where you can actually kiss someone on face time? Because that would be fucking awesome!

So, we all know how it is when you’re going to have a visitor to your house. You get all freaked out about everything and even if your house is clean it’s not clean anymore. Yeah, well, that’s been me. I’ve like done everything. That and I pay to have my house cleaned and it’s supposed to be cleaned the Thursday before she arrives but that’s not good enough. So, I’ve been frantically trying to make sure everything is perfect. I mean when you have regular visitors to your house you want it to look good but this is more than just another visitor. This is my love. Not only does the house need to be perfect but I need to be perfect, too. You all know what I’m talking about. Shave the legs, paint the nails, wax stuff, and well, you know just get everything as perfect as possible. I’m cooking for her so tomorrow is the grocery store trip. Though I’ve been waiting for a month all of a sudden I’m like  sacred I’m not going to get it all done in time. But honestly even if I don’t, I’m still glad it’s so close to time. I can barely contain myself. I’m like a kid who knows he’s getting the most awesome present ever and Christmas is 5 days away. Yeah, I’m that excited. I’m just a big kid anyway. I get so excited and I show it.

I don’t know if I’ve shared this fact yet with my readers but the roommate is also the ex, who found Jesus. This has been a source of friction. She flipped when she found out I was talking to someone. Mind you people, we haven’t been together as a couple for 11 years. That’s a long time. We were friends but just friends. She has been psycho bitch or bipolar bitch, since she found out. It has not been pleasant. One minute she’s trying to get me saved and the next she’s saying inappropriate things to me. I did tell her that if this was too much for her that maybe she needed to move out. There has been arguing and fussing everyday. She doesn’t want to move or says she can’t? I’m not really convinced of this fact. I just don’t know what her deal is. But it is my house so I’m not moving. Anyway we’ve been friends for 14 years and I told her I didn’t want to hate her but she’s really driving me toward it, rapidly. Today she has preached to me all day. I couldn’t even watch tv without the bombardment of preaching. You know what? If you want to go to church and you make that choice then do it. If I don’t then don’t shove Jesus down my throat. Oh my god! Lesbian drama. Well ex lesbian drama? I don’t even know anymore. All I know is I want her to leave because I can’t live in constant turmoil. I’m not built for that. I have a stressful job. I don’t need stress 24/7. This one is to be continued about her moving out. However I did tell her she was going to need to be gone for 5 days coming up and she’s known for awhile and has agreed to do it. I believe she’ll do it if not for the simple fact that she’s scared of Cybil. No, not Cybil Shepherd, My Cybil. That part of me that’s the crazy fucking bitch that will do stuff that in myself I’d never do. The one who doesn’t care what the neighbors think. The one who will beat someone’s ass if need be. Yeah, that one. Cybil is a crazy fucking bitch, let me tell you. She scares me so, I’m sure she scares the hell out of other people. Anyway, I’m sure she’ll do what I asked because of that fear of Cybil. She would rather not deal with her. If she doesn’t do what I’ve asked then, ta da! Heeeerrrreeee’s Cybil! So, like I said, she will.

As I was saying, Saturday is the big day! I get to wrap my arms around my baby and finally kiss her. The good part is that I think she’s as excited as me. But we are different people and where as I’m like all spastic and over the top with excitement she is more of a calm person. That’s probably a good thing? I don’t know, if we were both like me it’d be, a little much. That and I need a calm person in my life to steady me. I’m like 99 mph almost all the time. So, to have someone say, calm down, is a good thing. I love everything about her but that keeping me a little grounded is a wonderful thing for me to have. I think she’s just perfect for me. That and I know she loves me for me. Me and my over the top, 99 mph, high-strung, opinionated, talkative, self. That is a wonderful feeling.

We keep talking about the first thing we’re going to want to do. I think both of us agree that hugging and kissing is at the very top of the list. I could kiss her for hours and actually have. You take for granted when you’re in a relationship that’s with someone local that you can just drive to their house and kiss and hug them anytime. But when you’re almost 8 hours away, that’s not easy. I’ve missed everything about her since a month ago. What I’ve missed most though is hard to say because there’s so many things. Her kisses though are one of a kind. I do miss kissing her a lot. I miss holding her hand. I miss holding her in my arms. I miss snuggling up to her in the middle of the night. I miss it all. I can’t contain myself sometimes. Those conversations we have that are mostly telling each other how much we love each other. Those conversations I usually end up crying. Not because I’m sad usually. I end up crying out of happiness. Happiness that I’m so blessed to have finally found someone who  loves me so much and that I love more than anything or anybody, ever. I only thought I was in love before. I know what real love feels like now and I’m not letting that go. No matter distance. No matter circumstances. I’m not giving up on this kind of love. I’ll never find it again. I’m in it whole heartedly. For the long haul, however long it takes. She’s the one I want to be with forever. Forever love is worth whatever it takes to make it happen. Am I right?

I have never had anyone to make me feel this way. I have never had anyone to be so good to me. I have never had anyone to excite me like this before. I have never had anyone kiss me like she does. I’ve never been treated like she treats me. I’ve never been told how beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, cute, smart, that I am. Oh and folks the other day she got me good. I’ve really never been called a goddess before. I was speechless. I know, me? Speechless? Hard to believe it myself. The thing though with Steph, is that she’s just her. She’s not putting on airs. She’s just the way she is. She’s honest and forthcoming. She isn’t trying to impress me. She knows she’s got me. But even before that, she has never been fake. I hate fake people. I love that she’s herself with me. I love that. But goddess? Wow, I still kind of can’t believe she called me that. If I were a conceded person that would’ve blown my ego through the roof. Instead, I’m just amazed by it every time I think of it. That she thinks that much of me. It just gets me.

So, the longest 5 days of my life so far. That is probably true? I know I’ve been marking the days off the calendar. It’s so close now. I know we have plans to go places and do stuff around here and we will do those. But the most important part is that we have 5 days together and that’s the part I’m looking forward to most. Just being with her, no matter what we do. I love her with all of me. Everything I have to love her with, I love her with. I want to spoil her rotten. I want to make her happy. When she’s happy, I’m happy. And I’m hoping we are both going to be overwhelmingly happy for 5 days in just 5 days. Like I ask her all the time, how did I get so lucky?

 

It’s Never Been “Just Sex”

My inspiration, my muse and I were talking today and I was like, Damn! I got an idea for a post! She inspires me like that. Yeah, she’s pretty damn awesome. We were talking about how neither of us have ever been the type to fall into bed with somebody. It’s never been “just sex” for me. I know this because I tried to do the “just sex” thing when I was in high school. I was very drunk and thought that I could have sex with this guy I’d been dating but even as drunk as I was, I couldn’t do it. Thank god he didn’t force me to, because I was truly so drunk that he probably could have. But I said no and he stopped. I guess I’m blessed that he was somewhat of a gentleman. I know many women who have had quite the opposite experience with this. It’s never okay for someone to force you to do something that you say no to. That’s never okay. Just know that. There is no excuse for that. It’s wrong. If you feel like this has happened to you then please tell someone. Get help. Don’t let it go or make excuses for the person who did it to you. It’s never right, under any circumstances. I just want you to know this. If you need help? You let me know and we will get you help. That I promise.

I am what the lesbian community refers to as a “Gold Star”, if any of you have watched The L Word then you probably know what this means. It simply means that I have never had sex with a man. I have only been with women. Some men may think that this means that technically I’m still a virgin. Well, let me tell you fellas, I’m definitely not a virgin! Then you get people who say, well how do you know you don’t like it with a man if you’ve never tried it? Again, let me tell you some things I know I don’t like even without trying it. If I see a gawd awful looking flashy sparkly shirt in the store, I know I wouldn’t like it even without trying it on, trust me. So, I’ve known that I don’t like men, not sexually, for all my life. I didn’t have to try it to know that. So, please, don’t even go there with me, okay?

Alright, back to the subject at hand. So, sex without love is just sex. I know and am very well aware that there are plenty of people out there that can truly just have sex, no strings attached. Well, not this girl. I met a lot of those people on the dating sites. It scares me! What? It really does. I guess I’ve never understood how you can be so intimate with another person without having feelings for them. I mean, I got propositions for the sex, no strings attached, thing but, uh no. Not interested. If you’ll have just sex with me and you don’t even know me then who the hell else have you had just sex with? Yeah! Scary! That’s how people get STD’s people! I’m a nurse for fuck sake! I know about these things. It’s not just that though. I mean yeah, the nastiness of it all is a huge turn off but it’s not just that. I have always had to have feelings for someone before I could do anything with them. And I’m not going to have feelings for someone that’s like, hit me up for a good time. Sorry, but not sorry. I’m kind of glad that I am the way I am. At least I know I’ve never had sex with someone I wasn’t in love with. That’s a comforting feeling to me.

You know most lesbians that I’ve ever met have been with at least one man. Some more than that. I think, just like me probably, they thought it was a requirement to at least try it. Sometimes I think us lesbians do it because we are really trying not to be lesbians. And maybe this would change our minds? Well, most of the time I think it just confirms what we knew in the first place. That we are truly lesbians.

In high school I was a horrible wild ass teenager. I drank alcohol, a lot. I did drugs, most of them. I never shot up. But everything else, yeah, probably did it? It is truly a miracle that at some point I didn’t end up sleeping with a guy? I never did though. I can appreciate a nice looking man or woman but not enough to drop my pants for them. No matter how good looking they are. There is more to it than that. I mean you have to have a connection. Mentally, emotionally, it has to be there before the physical can even be worth it. I guess I’ve never thought it was worth it to give myself to someone that didn’t love me and I didn’t love them. What a complete waste of time? I’m not into wasting my time.

I am so glad that I’ve found my girlfriend and I’m so glad that it’s not all about sex for her either. My first partner, well, let’s just say she really tried to not be a lesbian. That’s a nice way of putting it. And then my second partner, well, she was married to the same man for 25 years. Most people would say that’s pretty convincing proof of not being a lesbian? Yeah, well, sometimes not. My girlfriend now, she’s not or never has been promiscuous. Just like me. We have that in common, for sure. That and we don’t have kids and all the exes still being in the picture because they will always be in the picture when you have kids together. The tie that binds you forever.

So, speaking to all you people that think it’s okay to have “just sex”, how do you justify this? I’m asking clearly because I don’t understand how you can. I would like to know how it’s possible? I mean, I don’t think I could even get turned on enough to do it if I didn’t have feelings for the person. So, yeah, clearly I don’t get it. Is there any situation that makes it alright to have “just sex”? I can’t even think that way. Maybe some of us are just made differently? Maybe that’s it? Or maybe it’s some bad experience in your past that drove you to being able to have sex with no strings attached? No feelings? Who knows? Obviously, not me. So, feel free to comment and fill me in on your opinions. I’d love to hear them. Later Y’all!

I. Am. Fed. Up!

Over the past few days I have been bombarded with this Donald Trump rallies/ Move On movement all over the TV and everywhere else. As my title to this blog implies, I am fed up. In that aspect I have something in common with Trump supporters, I suppose. I am not a Trump supporter. As a matter of fact, I’m not a supporter of either party. There is no politician alive that thinks like I do. Never has been, and probably never will be. I am a registered voter but I am registered as unaffiliated and that’s the way I like it. I will vote for whoever I think will do the best job. I will cast my vote in the primaries in order to sway which way I want the election to go. Sometimes my vote in the primaries is less about who I’d actually vote for and more about casting a vote against a particular politician. See, for those of you who don’t know. When I walk into the primaries to cast my vote, I get to choose which party I vote for. I can vote democrat, republican or libertarian and I’ve used this to my specific advantage over the years. This year I’ve already cast my ballot and I chose to vote republican. As I said before, I don’t like Donald Trump and I cast a vote for Marco Rubio, against Trump. I think that having Trump as our president would be a complete disaster. With that being said, I don’t like Hillary either. I think they are both as full of shit as they can possibly be. Here’s a quick bit of info for you all… Poli-tics, poly means many and ticks are blood sucking parasites. So, many blood sucking parasites. That about sums them all up. Some more than others.

My political views have always been different than anybody else’s. This probably doesn’t surprise any of my close friends because I’ve never had a problem speaking my mind about anything that is considered a “touchy” subject. I’ll listen to your side of the story just as well. I believe you have the right to peacefully assemble and protest but from what I’ve seen over the past several days, it has been far from peaceful, on both sides. I believe in women’s rights. I think that women should be able to do anything a man can and get paid as much for doing it. I also think that women, as a woman, I don’t think we help ourselves any by trying to be all slutty and showing off ourselves as sexual objects, this doesn’t make people, especially men, view us as equals. I think women should use their brains and not their bodies to get attention and gain respect. Feminism is about empowering women. Taking off your clothes and publishing nude pictures of yourself or doing porn does not qualify as empowering. It is belittling. It is disgraceful. It’s giving men the degrading images that hold us, as women, down and does not empower us, at all. You have that right though but from one woman to another, please stop? This is another reason I can’t vote for Trump. I hate beauty pageants and I think they should be banned. Women should not be paraded around in swimsuits and judged by their appearance. I know they have to have talent and answer questions about issues but, I mean, please, when’s the last time you saw a 200 plus pound woman win? Ever? Right. I didn’t think so. When’s the last time you saw a woman with short hair, wearing a tuxedo during the “gown” competition and not wearing makeup win? Same as before, never. So, let’s do ourselves a favor as women and boycott this kind of sexist event. I don’t believe the government should be an all consuming force. Ask the people who lived in Russia under socialism how that worked out for them. Ask the people in Germany who lived through Hitler, how that worked out for them. There’s a line that our government should never cross. They shouldn’t be able to tell me what I believe or what I shouldn’t or what I can say or not. I do believe we need stronger borders. It’s not fair to the people who follow the rules and paths for citizenship in this country. There should be consequences for breaking the law and it should be enforced. If we didn’t have borders then there wouldn’t even be different countries. The U.S.A. Wouldn’t even exist if we didn’t have borders. I appreciate the fact that people think that this is such a wonderful place to live that they want to move here but there are rules. You have to have rules. You have to follow those rules if you want to live here. That’s just the way it is. If I wanted to go live in Canada then I’d have to follow their rules. Same here. If I entered Canada illegally then there would be consequences. That’s the way borders work. We can’t all just willy nelly switch countries. That would be mass chaos. So, yeah, strengthen our borders, agreed. I don’t believe in abortion, I believe in common sense. I believe that in certain situations that a woman should be able to have a legal abortion, like rape or incest or life threatening pregnancy. It’s not the popular view but it’s my view. I don’t think that abortion should be used as a form of birth control and some people use it as such. There are plenty of ways to not get pregnant so, use them. I believe that marijuana should be legalized in all states. Marijuana’s benefits far outweigh the risk. If marijuana was legal and regulated by the government, like alcohol and cigarettes then we could pay off the national debt in no time. Not even mentioning the economic boom and jobs it would create. Medically, marijuana would be an asset to the medical community and the patients. Do you know it is not possible for someone to overdose on marijuana? However, it is very possible for someone to overdose on oxycodone, hydrocodone, morphine, dilaudid, OxyContin, alcohol, cocaine, heroine, and even codeine. I think that legalizing marijuana would help a lot of people with drug dependencies, anxiety, depression, cancer, PTSD, chronic pain, nausea, migraines, arthritis and they can’t kill themselves by overdosing. Like I said the benefits far outweigh the risk. Alcohol is legal and causes far more problems than marijuana ever has. I believe that legal unions between same-sex couples are fine but if the word “marriage” offends some people then just don’t label it as such, as long as “civil union” has the same rights as marriage then I don’t care. I think there should be common law marriages for anybody that has lived in the same household that are not related to each other, legally or otherwise, after seven years. I mean, some people don’t even believe in marriage and it’s not fair that they can’t file taxes together or claim each other on their work insurance or benefits. I also think that if you have an elderly parent that you are taking care of, that you should be able to claim them as a dependent on your taxes. Even if they aren’t living under the same roof as you. I think the social security system needs an overhaul. People cannot live off social security and they, at a certain age, should be able to live comfortably. They’ve paid their dues in the workforce and deserve free healthcare and a decent check with an amount that is reasonable. No one can live off of a $700 check or less a month. Then have to pay for insurance out of that. I think we need a better healthcare system and Obamacare is not it. I don’t think in such a wealthy country that we should have anyone that is not covered by some sort of medical coverage. There are still people who do not have healthcare and do without medicine and medical care because they fall through the holes. I know this because not only do I see it all the time at work but my sister is one of them. In our country everyone should have healthcare, dental care and vision care, no exceptions. I volunteered at a clinic where this was the population that we saw. The people who, for one reason or another, could not afford healthcare and didn’t qualify for government help. It happens people, still. I believe in equal opportunity for all but I don’t believe that someone should get priority for getting a job because of the color of their skin, thier sex, their religious beliefs, their sexual orientation, physical disability, age or anything of this sort. You should hire the best candidate for the job, period. That’s why I refuse to answer those questions on a job application. I don’t think that there should EVER be anyone in this country that doesn’t have food, shelter, and clothing. We are far to great of a nation for this to even be possible. These are just a few of my particular brand of beliefs and so you can see why I have a hard time finding a political party that matches them. The only way I’d find a political party that believed the things I believe would be if I started my own. I also don’t believe that companies should get tax breaks for sending jobs over seas. We have plenty of people in this country that need jobs. If you want jobs to come here then give companies huge incentives to make products here in America. If everything we bought was made in America imagine the financial state we’d be in. I don’t think anyone should discriminate against any certain group of people and that includes Evangelical Christians. They have as much right to believe and speak about their beliefs as anyone else does. I think that if someone disagrees with something because it’s their beliefs, then they shouldn’t be made to do it. Like if you are a pastor and you don’t believe in marrying a couple because they are the same-sex then you shouldn’t have to. If your religious beliefs are against something then you shouldn’t be forced to praticipate. Like the cake shop that refused to make the wedding cake for a same-sex couple. That was their business and they should have that right. That would be like going into a Jewish owned establishment and forcing them to put their meat and eggs in the same place. It’s not Kosher, in more ways than one. So, just go somewhere else and do business. It’s a FREE country. That’s why we choose to live here. If a shop was owned by a same-sex couple and they didn’t believe in opposite-sex marriage and they refused to make a wedding cake for them then that would be alright too. You see we should all be able to have the right to stand for what we believe in. Freedom of religion, speech, and all of the constitution, applies to us all. I believe in the right to bear arms. I am an avid gun enthusiast and I have that right by the 2nd amendment. Do I think you should have to have an extensive background check to be able to buy guns? Yes, of course you should, but only criminals don’t follow these laws. Law abiding people are the ones who legally purchase firearms. Criminals will have guns no matter what, because they are Criminals! Wake up people! More gun laws are not going to change the way criminals obtain guns. More gun laws are just going to keep honest people from being able to protect themselves from those criminals. I like to think of it this way. My dad use to say that someone was a “hotel thief”. When I asked him what in the heck is a “hotel thief?” His response was, “They wouldn’t break in your house to steal from you, but if you give them a key they’ll rob you blind.” Good point. Honest people are, well, honest and dishonest people, well, you get the point. Another problem I have with gun control is Hitler, yes, Hitler, yes that one, I think there was only one? Thank God. Well, he was Pro- gun control too. I don’t make a point of quoting sadist but here is a quote from him, “This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future!”- Adolph Hitler- 1935. Hmm? Right before he started rounding up the Jews, homosexuals and anyone who helped them into concentration camps. Probably helped that they couldn’t protect themselves, huh? Yeah, like I said.

Anyway, with all of that being said I think that Donald Trump has as much right to safely hold a political rally as anyone else does. Do I like him? No. Do I think he should be attacked and the people who have come to hear him be attacked? No. We all need to keep in mind that just because we don’t agree with someone’s opinion does not mean that they are “ignorent”, “uneducated”, “racist”, or “bigots”. We all have the right to voice our opinions. Whether right or wrong. Whether we agree or not. We still have that right. We have got to stand for something in this nation or we’re going to fall for anything. Stop being so “Politically Correct”. Honestly I think that the term “Politically Correct” is an oxymoron. What’s correct about politics? It’s the most incorrect thing in this country. Even though people say that anyone can someday grow up and become the president. It’s not true. You have to have money and a lot of it to run for any office, especially the presidential office. Do people really believe they are helping by protesting these rallies? Hell No! You’re just giving Donald Trump more attention and free air time. That’s all you’re doing. If you want him to win, then keep up the good work. If you’d rather not have a president Trump, then stop giving him what he wants. He wants you to get him on the news. He wants you to protest and give him fuel to stoke the fire even more. You’re playing into his game. And then the Liberials say that the Republicans are the uneducated people, well, I don’t know? Looks to me like you’re the ones getting played.

I’m sick of hearing about Donald Trump. I’m sick of politicians in general. They ALL lie! ALL of them no matter what party. My request to you all, is this. Vote for the person who best fits your personal beliefs. You have that right. I’m definitely not telling anyone who to vote for. It’s all of our rights to vote. That’s called a democracy. So, are you for Trump or not? If you are, vote for him. If you’re not, then don’t. But let him speak. That’s his right. Just like it’s my right to write this blog. Stop the madness. Educate yourself on the candidates and make your voice heard in November, at the polls and in the primaries, vote for your candidate or against another one. It’s still a free country. Let’s keep it that way.