It’s Never Been “Just Sex”

My inspiration, my muse and I were talking today and I was like, Damn! I got an idea for a post! She inspires me like that. Yeah, she’s pretty damn awesome. We were talking about how neither of us have ever been the type to fall into bed with somebody. It’s never been “just sex” for me. I know this because I tried to do the “just sex” thing when I was in high school. I was very drunk and thought that I could have sex with this guy I’d been dating but even as drunk as I was, I couldn’t do it. Thank god he didn’t force me to, because I was truly so drunk that he probably could have. But I said no and he stopped. I guess I’m blessed that he was somewhat of a gentleman. I know many women who have had quite the opposite experience with this. It’s never okay for someone to force you to do something that you say no to. That’s never okay. Just know that. There is no excuse for that. It’s wrong. If you feel like this has happened to you then please tell someone. Get help. Don’t let it go or make excuses for the person who did it to you. It’s never right, under any circumstances. I just want you to know this. If you need help? You let me know and we will get you help. That I promise.

I am what the lesbian community refers to as a “Gold Star”, if any of you have watched The L Word then you probably know what this means. It simply means that I have never had sex with a man. I have only been with women. Some men may think that this means that technically I’m still a virgin. Well, let me tell you fellas, I’m definitely not a virgin! Then you get people who say, well how do you know you don’t like it with a man if you’ve never tried it? Again, let me tell you some things I know I don’t like even without trying it. If I see a gawd awful looking flashy sparkly shirt in the store, I know I wouldn’t like it even without trying it on, trust me. So, I’ve known that I don’t like men, not sexually, for all my life. I didn’t have to try it to know that. So, please, don’t even go there with me, okay?

Alright, back to the subject at hand. So, sex without love is just sex. I know and am very well aware that there are plenty of people out there that can truly just have sex, no strings attached. Well, not this girl. I met a lot of those people on the dating sites. It scares me! What? It really does. I guess I’ve never understood how you can be so intimate with another person without having feelings for them. I mean, I got propositions for the sex, no strings attached, thing but, uh no. Not interested. If you’ll have just sex with me and you don’t even know me then who the hell else have you had just sex with? Yeah! Scary! That’s how people get STD’s people! I’m a nurse for fuck sake! I know about these things. It’s not just that though. I mean yeah, the nastiness of it all is a huge turn off but it’s not just that. I have always had to have feelings for someone before I could do anything with them. And I’m not going to have feelings for someone that’s like, hit me up for a good time. Sorry, but not sorry. I’m kind of glad that I am the way I am. At least I know I’ve never had sex with someone I wasn’t in love with. That’s a comforting feeling to me.

You know most lesbians that I’ve ever met have been with at least one man. Some more than that. I think, just like me probably, they thought it was a requirement to at least try it. Sometimes I think us lesbians do it because we are really trying not to be lesbians. And maybe this would change our minds? Well, most of the time I think it just confirms what we knew in the first place. That we are truly lesbians.

In high school I was a horrible wild ass teenager. I drank alcohol, a lot. I did drugs, most of them. I never shot up. But everything else, yeah, probably did it? It is truly a miracle that at some point I didn’t end up sleeping with a guy? I never did though. I can appreciate a nice looking man or woman but not enough to drop my pants for them. No matter how good looking they are. There is more to it than that. I mean you have to have a connection. Mentally, emotionally, it has to be there before the physical can even be worth it. I guess I’ve never thought it was worth it to give myself to someone that didn’t love me and I didn’t love them. What a complete waste of time? I’m not into wasting my time.

I am so glad that I’ve found my girlfriend and I’m so glad that it’s not all about sex for her either. My first partner, well, let’s just say she really tried to not be a lesbian. That’s a nice way of putting it. And then my second partner, well, she was married to the same man for 25 years. Most people would say that’s pretty convincing proof of not being a lesbian? Yeah, well, sometimes not. My girlfriend now, she’s not or never has been promiscuous. Just like me. We have that in common, for sure. That and we don’t have kids and all the exes still being in the picture because they will always be in the picture when you have kids together. The tie that binds you forever.

So, speaking to all you people that think it’s okay to have “just sex”, how do you justify this? I’m asking clearly because I don’t understand how you can. I would like to know how it’s possible? I mean, I don’t think I could even get turned on enough to do it if I didn’t have feelings for the person. So, yeah, clearly I don’t get it. Is there any situation that makes it alright to have “just sex”? I can’t even think that way. Maybe some of us are just made differently? Maybe that’s it? Or maybe it’s some bad experience in your past that drove you to being able to have sex with no strings attached? No feelings? Who knows? Obviously, not me. So, feel free to comment and fill me in on your opinions. I’d love to hear them. Later Y’all!

She Has My Heart, This I Know

So, I actually told Steph that I was going to share with everyone the text that I wrote her the other morning. I try to wake up and write her a little note every morning before she goes to work. As much as I didn’t mean for it to be a poem or maybe even a short story, it kind of came out that way. We spent 3 and 1/2 glorious days together recently and it felt so good just to be able to sleep in the bed together and it’s like I’ve been missing that ever since. So, here it is folks. Proof I’ve fallen so hard and unlike the lady on the lifeline commercial, I don’t want to get up. The text was as follows…

“These r the times I miss u the most. When I wake up half asleep and reach out for u but no ones there. Just the empty bed. This is when I know ur not here. I can’t slide over to u and put my arms around u and squeeze u just enough to have u groggily say, mmmm. Then I kiss the side of ur face and pull u into me as far as possible and lay awake for a moment just taking u all in. Every little detail. I don’t know what time it is and I don’t care because I have the love of my life wrapped in my arms and it’s the moments like this that I live for. No pressure. No demands, just pure unconditional love. Maybe I’ll run my hands up and down ur side, back, face, hair. Maybe I’ll lightly scratch ur back because I know u like that. But mostly I know that while ur sleeping I’ll lay there and look at u and hope and pray that I never ever lose u. Tears will begin to prick at my eyes and my heart starts to pound in my chest because I know that I myself would rather die than for you to. That’s when I realize that I love you more than my own life. That’s when I realize that I always want this. I always want u beside me in the middle of the night so that I can realize every night how much I love u. I look down at your face while u sleep and I can tell that ur dreaming and I only hope that all ur good dreams include me. I kiss the side of ur face softly and snuggle into u. I love u more at this moment than I have ever realized before. I know in this moment the miles between us seem astronomical. I know in this moment that nothing could keep me from u. Miles, job, family, friends, finances, nothing. I smile and snuggle closer and know that I want this the rest of my life, forever and always and that I’ll do whatever it takes to get this. I love you more than mere words can express. U leave me speechless in ur presence sometimes and that’s never happened to me before. I don’t know but after I got to writing this I thought? This is more like a poem or short story that a text. I may tweak it and use it later? But this is what I felt when I automatically reached for u and realized u weren’t here and then the next thing I reached for was my phone to see if ud text me and if not I was going to text u and then it turned into this. I told u you’re my muse. I love you Steph!!!! More than mere words could ever express.”

Y’all, I absolutely adore this woman! I really don’t know what I would do if she ever stopped loving me. I’m sure I bug the ever living shit out of her some days. She never bugs me though. I want her with me 24/7. I know I’ve said it before but I’ve never been in love like this before. I’ve turned into this big gushy, lovey dovey, head over heels in love sap! I swear this has never been me. Really, I swear, I haven’t. I just had to share this and share that it did make a pretty happy woman that morning. Which if she’s happy then I’m happy. So, I guess it made two happy women, that morning?

The Love of My Life

I promised all of my followers that I’d keep them up to date on my new-found love relationship. This is that. I got to meet, in person, and spend time with the woman who I met online and have fallen head over heels for, this week. She was all I had hoped for and maybe a little more. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done to say goodbye to her. My heart breaks now even writing about it.

Her name is Stephanie. She is the most thoughtful, beautiful, smart, sexy, funny, kind, wonderful woman who I’ve ever met in my life. She knows that I absolutely love music. So what did she do? She took me to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, of course. She listens to what I say. I say a lot, y’all. That takes some effort. But she pays attention. I’m not saying that in all my past relationships that no one ever paid attention. I’m just saying that she really pays attention. She actually wants to make me happy. I don’t think she realizes that she does make me very happy. It’s been a long time since I couldn’t keep my hands off someone. I don’t think I’ve ever had this problem, so much though, as I do with her. The song by Selena Gomez, “Can’t Keep My Hands To Myself” fits me perfectly, right now. Steph doesn’t like that song, by the way. I told her that she may like it after I was gone back home. I don’t know if she has actually changed her mind about it yet though. No, it’s not just about the physical. Though I’m not lacking any of that for her. It’s something more. Something I’ve never quite experienced before. It’s the total package. It’s all of her and everything about her. The way she makes me laugh. The way she can turn me on with just a certain look, touch, or word. The way she smiles at me. The way she laughs. Her eyes are the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re hazel but sometimes they’re blue. Sometimes they’re gray. Sometimes they’re green. There is this little spot closer to the pupil that’s brown, always no matter what color the rest of them are. They’re just perfect and I see the way they look at me, with love. Her dark hair and the way it smells and feels against my face. The cute little grin she gives me when I say certain things to her. The way she kisses me. Oh My God! The way she kisses me! The way she holds my hand. God, I know I could probably go on forever here. I’ll stop and spare you all the rest. I think you get the point that I’m deeply in love with her and that she’s hot as hell!

As I was saying we spent a little more than the weekend together. I can’t wait to see her again. I started missing her before we ever even said goodbye. It was truly the hardest goodbye I’ve ever had to do. I know that when we are apart, even for a second, I can hardly stand it. I may be totally off here and I may read this years from now and wonder what in the hell I was thinking. But somehow, I don’t think that will happen. I know I said it before but we have something unique and different than anyone else I’ve ever been with. It’s like she’s my missing piece. The piece that fits just right in the whole that my heart has been missing all my life. She’s my girl. If she were a drug I’d be addicted. I am addicted already, actually.

Neither of us are stupid. We know what people say. We know people somehow have trouble believing that we will ever make it. We know people have judgements about meeting people online and long distance relationships and such. We know that any relationship is going to have its ups and downs. We know but we still choose to be with one another. We both have issues now with people, things, situations. There is no perfect relationship. The relationships that last take an effort on both persons parts. We know this. We are still willing to give this thing a shot.

At this moment in time I can tell you that Stephanie makes me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I can honestly say that with no qualms whatsoever. I hope that I do the same for her. Nothing would make me happier than to spend my life making her happy. I can’t express in words the way I feel about her. I try mind you. It’s just never sufficient enough. I asked her permission to post our picture on here but she’s at work and can’t answer my every question right now. So, we will see. Maybe there will be a picture later but we’re both kind of camera-shy.

Our trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was special and a day I’ll never forget. But I think the best moment was sitting on a bench. Looking out over the water. Holding her hand. Seeing a wedding party taking pictures at the waterfront and secretly wishing that one day that’d be us. I was anyway. I know we have a long way to go and a lot of miles and situations between us. I know this all to well. I can only love her with all I have and hope that one day she will be mine and I’ll be hers and we will live happily ever after. The End.

It’s For Real

I don’t even know where to begin this blog. You all probably read my blog when I was complaining about dating sites, see There’s Free Milk Everywhere, Y’all! So, that post kind of makes me look like I was all judgemental about the whole thing, and I was, I admit. I have to begin to tell this story though because I hope it never ends.

You see, people wouldn’t guess this about me but, I’m a hopeless romantic. Yes, it’s true. I believe in ‘Happily Ever After’. I mean, why not, right? Better than not believing. Anyway, I come off as someone who could really give a fuck less about love. I guess I’m a closeted romantic? Maybe? I have always been the type that if you hurt me I could turn off my feelings as fast as they came on. I just never really felt any kind of instant connection with anyone. My first two and well, only two, serious relationships were a very slow, getting to know you process. Because, I’m just an old-fashioned southern girl who likes to be wooed. Don’t get me wrong though. I always thought it was possible to have that. I believe in soul mates and twin flames and love at first sight and all that jazz. I guess, I just hoped it would happen to me but never really expected it to happen to me.

As you all know. I was on a couple of dating sites. It wasn’t a very good experience. Either no one ever talked to you or you winked at someone and they winked at you and it was a big fucking joke! I had these, little girls(that qualifies as young enough to be my daughter)winking at me and chatting crap like, “What’s up?”. Give me a break! I’m like, old! Please, I don’t want to be arrested and labeled as a ‘sexual predator’. That would fucking ruin my career, right there! But I wasn’t interested in the first place. So it didn’t matter. I’m sure a lot of you have used these dating apps and you know that you flip through thousands of pictures. Most of them having ‘duck bill’ lips and throwing deuces. Don’t get me started on that. I mean, smile or look normal. Why you gotta do your lips like that? It’s not attractive, if that’s what you’re going for? Anyway, yeah, flip, flip, flip. Me: uh no, uh no, too young, too skinny, ah she’s cute but she smokes, uh no, no, hell no, maybe? Oh, she likes skinny girls? Well, I’m out, next. You see this wasn’t going well for me?

To my title, it’s for real, y’all! One night I was flipping through in my usual non interested way when, wait go back. Hmm? Well, she’s cute. Probably something wrong with her? Let’s read the profile. She probably smokes or is looking for Mrs. Athletic body? Ok, uh huh, uh huh, oh she doesn’t smoke, drinks socially, so do I sometimes too much socially but socially. Maybe this could work? She’s cute enough. She wears glasses, which is totally hot. She probably won’t like me? I doubt she will but hey, let’s give it a shot. That was my thinking process. Well, holy shit, she actually liked me. And she’s not young enough to be my daughter. She’s younger than me but not, illegally so. We started chatting back and forth and hit it off. I was actually in complete shock. Then I got brave and gave her my number. That was a huge step for me because I don’t trust anyone. But for some strange reason, I trusted her.

I can’t say that we have everything in common. Because we don’t. I’m from the South and she’s a Yankee. That’s what we call you Northerners, by the way. We have a lot in common. I am a big ‘ol dyke, y’all. I’m not very feminine but I’m not overly masculine. I consider myself slightly left of center. Butch and feminine, a little of both, but more Butch. I am usually attracted to very feminine women. I’m not saying this girl isn’t feminine at all, but very feminine? No. She’s tough and pretty badass. She’s got piercings and tattoos. She had Laser eye surgery done. There went the glasses. I might have to buy her some fake ones just for me? But y’all she’s hot! Glasses or not. She doesn’t like Prince. Who doesn’t like Prince? I fucking love Prince! That could have been a total deal breaker! But then she had guts enough to tell me so, wasn’t that really a good thing? She overlooks a lot of my faults. Not that I have any. I’ve got plenty! I couldn’t figure out what it was about her that drew me like a magnet. It’s not all about looks or a hot body to me. Not saying she’s not hot but it’s a brain thing with me. You got to have a brain! Dumbness is a complete turnoff. Then she told me the same thing. I know it wasn’t that she was just saying it because it was what I wanted to hear. Because that’s not her speed. I mean, she told me she didn’t like Prince! Why would she say anything just because, now? We both have talked about how scared we were. How neither of us are normally like this. How people will have their opinions about our relationship. But, we’re cool with that. It’s just something neither of us can explain. It just is there between us. Something special. A drawing. Magnets. Maybe I’m going to sound like a dating site commercial here but we just clicked.

She probably thought I talked too much? Which I do sometimes. She was shy and that was wonderfully cute. She was modest and that’s fantastic. We talked and talked. She didn’t agree with everything I said so that let me know she had her own mind. That was also good. I don’t want a ‘yes, dear.’ relationship. I want somebody who doesn’t mind listening to my opinions but doesn’t mind giving me theirs. She fit the bill. So, she’s the total package. Is that even possible? Well, it is. It’s for real, y’all. She is the most caring, loving, giving, sexy, smart, tough, badass, sweet woman I think I’ve ever met? She makes me smile. Like a fool, y’all! Like a complete fool! I really honestly believe that I’ve never fallen so hard, so fast? Well, I know I haven’t. And yes I know you’re thinking there has to be something wrong with her. She works, y’all! And I haven’t found anything, yet. If I do though, I think it can be worked around. I have not been in a relationship in 11 years. That’s a long time. I was afraid that, just like in the past, that something always took precedence over me. And I would be hurt, again. Both of my exes left me because they ‘weren’t right with God’. I tried that road many times. But it’s not who I really am. I’ve always known that I liked women. Since I was 4 years old. I really don’t think anything will change me now. I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not. Don’t I deserve to be loved, too? Don’t we all deserve to be loved? I think we do.

No one has ever changed my opinion or how I felt about certain things. I am strongly opinionated and bull-headed. I know, I am outspoken and can be really honest to a fault. This woman has made me change my mind about some things I felt really strongly about. Everyone who reads my blog or is a friend of mine knows how I feel about PDA, public displays of affection. Yeah, never really been a fan. I know that no one has ever changed my mind about this, ever! But she has. Not because we’ve done it, yet but because for the first time in my life. I want to do it! I can’t believe I said that. I know, you’re thinking I’ve got it bad. I do.

I’m off the dating sites. All two of them I was on. I deleted my account and am not on the market anymore. Only time will tell but I think I may have found the one. We are constantly texting or talking. I can’t think about anything but her. We made it exclusive. We are only dating one another. I think that I am more happy now than I’ve ever been in my 44 years. Wish us luck, y’all! But I think we aren’t really going to need it. Because we have something more powerful than luck on our side. We have love. And that Beatles song can’t be wrong, can it? Love is truly all you need.

 

There’s Free Milk Everywhere, Y’all!

My original title for the blog was going to be ‘Where has modesty gone?’. But I think this one was more catchy. So here goes nothing.

Sorry folks but I have got to rant. I have recently been checking out dating sites. Let me tell you it has not been a good experience. I don’t know if I’m just too old or just have too much self-respect but….OH MY GOD! I was not expecting what I’ve found. I guess it’s no surprise to people who frequent these sites. Maybe they like it? I don’t. I mean, leave something for the imagination people. Don’t ask me to send you nude photos of myself because it’s not going to happen. I don’t want to see yours and I’m definitely not showing you mine. What has happened to modesty? Was it thrown out the window with the Kardashians? I can’t stand this. It is absolutely unbelievable to me that society thinks this is okay.

I’ve always been a modest person. I don’t even like to take my clothes off at the doctor’s office. I’ve never been comfortable in a bathing suit, even when I was skinny. I’ve never felt comfortable being naked in front of somebody unless we were intimate together. I hated P.E. in school simply because you had to dress and undress in front of people and God forbid take a shower with other people. This was traumatic for me. Maybe that’s why I find all this over the top, in your face exposure so disgusting? There’s something to be said for leaving a little mystery.

This epidemic is not just a generation thing or even a gender thing, it’s a society thing. People have no self-respect at all anymore. They think this type of behavior is fine. Some people may read this and say that I’m just an old fogey. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just have respect for myself and others. I don’t want to subject people to images of my vagina, breast, butt, or any other part of my anatomy that shouldn’t be displayed publicly. My face is good enough. If you don’t like my face then you don’t need to see anymore of me. I know in these days of Facebook, Snapchat, Pinterest, Instagram and the like, that it might be hard not to give into peer pressure and post nude pictures of yourself. Though, this would never be a problem for me personally, but maybe it’s like smoking was back in my day? Maybe this is how it is with the younger generation? But they are definitely not the only ones. Maybe instead of trying to fit in by smoking or doing drugs, they feel the pressure to expose themselves in pictures online? I don’t know.

With all of this being said, I don’t know if I’m ready to start dating. I certainly am not ready for kissing on the first date. I’m not ready to fall into bed with anyone on the first date. I don’t even like holding hands in public. I have never been one for public displays of affection. I am not promiscuous and never have been. It’s not going to start now. Also, as a nurse I’m scared that everybody has a STD. Then these dating sites don’t help my nursing mind to disprove this fear. I feel so much older than my forty-something mind right now.

Are there any modest, humble, discreet, mysterious people left in this world? Really, are there? I hope, beyond hope that there are. Am I the only person who feels this way? Am I the only one who feels like they need to wash their eyes after flipping through these photos? Am I the only person in this world who doesn’t want to be bombarded with these images? Maybe I’m too cerebral? Maybe I’m too much of a thinker? Maybe I’m just old-fashioned? Maybe I still believe in the art of seduction and romance? Maybe I’m just being too unrealistic? Gone are the days of flowers, a box of chocolates, wine, dine, charm, opening doors, pulling out chairs, respect. Like my grandmother use to say “Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?” There’s free milk everywhere, y’all! Don’t get me wrong I can appreciate the beauty of the human form but only after we are in a relationship and I want to see you naked.

I refuse to allow these things to change me, however. I will not believe that there are not others like me. I will not give up hope. I will not stoop to this level of self humiliation. I will not give up my modesty. Because I refuse to disrespect myself.

If I want to see porn, there is plenty of it free online. If I want to see naked people, there is plenty of that too. But if I want to start a relationship with somebody; then I don’t want that relationship to start with me seeing them nude. I’m just old-fashioned that way, I guess. Online dating is not for the faint of heart. That’s for sure. I imagine however, that I’m not alone. When I find my soul-mate at least I’ll know that it’s not going to be one of those people. The nude picture takers, that is. I know that no self-respecting human would do these sort of things. That and some people are just nasty. Unfortunately for the rest of us, some things just can’t be unseen. For goodness sake people put on some clothes! I prefer to buy my milk!