Goodbye, Dad and Happy Father’s Day

My dad passed away on June the 8th. Not too long ago. The day after my 45th birthday. It was totally unexpected but then I think death in general is quite unexpected even for those expecting it. He had fell and hit his head a couple days prior to ending up being flown by helicopter to a larger more equipped facility to have brain surgery to remove a hematoma from his brain. He was never the same after the surgery and never regained any functionality at all. He was a stubborn man and of course refused to go to the hospital until he was so bad that my sister had to call 911 to come pick him up by ambulance. The day he originally fell he had hit his head so hard that he had lost consciousness. That day I practically begged him to go to the hospital but like I said he refused. I told him that he could die in his sleep if he had a bleed on his brain from the fall but he told me that that wouldn’t be a bad way to go. Little did I know he was going to get his wish.

My dad had been sick for years. He had just gotten a fistula put in his arm this year because he was eventually going to have to have dialysis done because his kidneys were failing. For a long time he had refused to even do that but had given in when another nurse from his insurance company had told him he could live another ten years doing dialysis. Forget that his nurse daughter had already told him that but then he never listened to me anyway. So, he got the fistula put in but hadn’t had to start it yet. Then he had just recently had both eyes done to remove cataracts and was actually able to drive again. I’m not saying he didn’t drive anyway because he did even with probably being legally blind? You see my point with the stubbornness here?

I do miss my dad terribly. I didn’t think that I would. I know that probably sounds cold but we were never that close and we had a lot of bad blood between us over the course of my childhood and life in general. But he was my dad no matter. I just wasn’t expecting to actually miss him, I guess? I had a breakdown the other day and drank way too much and just cried and cried. I hadn’t been that emotional about it but I guess it just hit me a couple days before Father’s Day? It just knocked the wind out of my sails that day and I had a good cry which I think I really needed?

If you are a follower of my blog then I don’t have to tell you that mine and his relationship was never a good one. He wasn’t the best dad but he wasn’t the worst either. I mean, I have a lot to be thankful for. He did abuse me physically, mentally, emotionally but never sexually and I’m very thankful for that. I have always said that you can look around and find people who have had a lot worse life than you have. He was an excellent provider and a really hard worker most of his life. I can remember him working in the cotton mill and pulling seven 12 hour shifts. He always made sure that me and my sister were provided for. He was a good dad for the most part. He made some bad choices in his life of course we all do. I loved him very much even though we were not an affectionate family, ever. He never told us growing up that he loved us or hugged us or anything like that. I guess that’s why me and my sister are not in general, affectionate people ourselves? We weren’t raised that way. My dad never thought you were sick enough to go to a doctor. And God forbid you cry. Crying was not allowed. I think of Tom Hanks character in A League of Their Own, when he says, “There’s no crying in baseball!”. Well, with my dad there was no crying in life. I remember when I was about 13 years old or so and I had went to a birthday party at the skating rink and I had fell and my foot ended up beside my ear. I’m pretty sure now that I’m a nurse that I tore the meniscus in my knee but I never went to a doctor. Even though my knee swelled to the point that it was the size of a cantaloupe and that was when I was a girl so that was pretty damn big. I showed my dad my knee and told him how bad it hurt but just like everything else he just looked at me and said, “It’ll be alright. Toughen up. You’re not a baby. It’ll heal before you get married.” And that was that. That was the way it was with everything with him. We learned to be tough or die. I still to this day don’t feel pain like other people. I have an incredibly high pain tolerance which my doctor says is to the point of being scary. She told me that if I thought I was hurting I may need to go to the emergency room because something was probably really bad wrong with me. Of course I don’t listen to that either, just like my dad. My sister is the same way. When she was 16 she fell out in the floor and was bleeding profusely and hadn’t said a word. She had had a miscarriage and almost died. She laughed all the way through delivering her daughter. Yes, she laughed through labor. Guess neither of us know how to show pain? Thanks to dad. His dad was probably the same with him though? My granddad was a very mean man and I’m sure my dads childhood was not any easier. He told me some things about his childhood that really messed me up mentally so I won’t even share those on here because believe me, I’m doing you a favor.

I miss my dad everyday and I don’t know if that will ever change. I did have the chance to tell him things that I had held onto for a long time. I got to tell him that I forgave him for everything and all the bad choices he had made because let’s face it folks, we all make bad choices in life. I got to tell him that I loved him, no matter what. I got to tell him that I never understood why he was so hard on me and not my sister but then in the same breath tell him that I was glad he was hard on me because I wouldn’t be where I am today if he hadn’t of been. I see the alternative in my sister. Believe me I’m better off. I knew however that my dad was going to die. I knew he was gone when he came out of surgery. I just knew by the look in his eyes. He was no longer in there. It was his time to go. I except that, no matter how hard it is.

I know my dad didn’t approve of me being gay but it upsets me that he never met the love of my life. He’ll never get to see me get married. He’ll not see me get my nurse practitioner license. He’ll never get to see a lot of things in my life. That part upsets me. Is he better off? Probably better off than he was, yes. Will I miss him always? Yes. Did I expect it all to end this way? No.

So what do I have to thank my dad for? Well, my awkward, morbid, dark, verging on psychotic sense of humor, I owe to him. My never say quit attitude, I owe to him. A strong work ethic, I owe to him. Never giving up on a relationship, I owe to him. My toughness, I owe to him. My strange views on religion and God, I owe to him. My stubbornness, I owe to him. My intelligence and love of learning, I owe to him. My random useless facts that I throw out there in the middle of a conversation, I owe to him. My nerdiness, I owe to him. I owe a lot of my personality and who I am to him. I have dyslexia, just like he did. I’m as blunt as they come sometimes, just like him. But there were so many things that I admired about my dad. He never walked away from his kids. He worked all the time. He always provided for us and he never got a dime in child support from my mom. He may not have told us he loved us all the time but he proved he did everyday. He was all in all not such a bad man. I owe my love of cars, especially classic cars to him. He was my dad and he will always be a part of me. He will always live on in my heart. His memory will be honored every time I speak of him. My dad wasn’t perfect but he was my dad and that’s all that matters. We take what life gives us and it makes us into the people we are. I wouldn’t be who I am without him and for that I thank him. He will be missed but he will never be forgotten.

 

Advertisements

Here I Go Again, and Unfortunately I’m Not Talking About The Whitesnake Song

As my blog implies I am a traveling nurse as most of my readers and followers already know. This travel assignment that I started Monday is at a facility that I’ve worked at before. Sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes maybe not so good? Somehow or another though I’ve only been gone from there for 13 weeks, actually 15 weeks but let’s not get technical. It’s been a short amount of time. That’s my point. God? I’m so ADD I think I’ve forgotten my point? Oh yeah, my point, my point is, damn how do I do this? Ok, so it’s not been that long since I worked there! And like I was saying, somehow or another I had to go through orientation, again. Now, it’s kind of a funny thing how travel companies work sometimes. My recruiter told me that the hospital wanted me to go through orientation and they were “requiring” that I did. But, they wouldn’t pay for me to do it. Tell me this makes any sense to you because it totally doesn’t make any sense to me. If you are going to require someone to go through orientation again, that just left there after working at your facility for a year, then you sure as hell should have to pay for it. That just would make too much sense though. So, my company is having to pay me to do orientation. They didn’t require me to do it but they are paying for it. Yeah, really.

I just made it through two days of being bored out of my fucking mind. I had to sit there and listen to shit I already knew and do things I’d already done for two days. This doesn’t bode well with me. I get bored very easily and thus have always had trouble in school. I have to have something to do! I stayed in trouble in school because most of the time I was bored out of my mind! And that was when I was learning something new. Can you imagine learning something I already knew? Not good. So, I got called down for eating beef jerky. Yes, I was eating beef jerky in class. But, I mean, damn, we are all adults here! The lady offered us water, coffee, and stuff so what’s going to damage a computer faster? Water or beef jerky? I think, water. I wasn’t hurting anyone. What’s the difference between chewing gum or chewing beef jerky? Not anything except you swallow the beef jerky. Anyway, this upset me and obviously she’s a PETA supporter who has some personal vendetta against beef jerky. Obviously. Then today she was such a bitch to one of the ladies in class that I was feeling quite stabby towards her by the end of the day. I have a soft spot for more, um, mature people and she was like riding this ladies ass over every fucking thing she did. We were doing computer training and she was just being so mean to this lady. Yes, it doesn’t bother me to eat cow but it does bother me for someone to be singled out and treated differently than everybody else just because of their age. Don’t mess with my old people because I get very defensive on their behalf, I’m just warning you. That and I hate rudeness and meanness. Go get laid or something lady but don’t be a bitch! Dang!

I had been through this orientation before. It wasn’t with the same person. It was actually pleasant. Guess it just goes to show you, it’s all about attitude. If you’re going to be bitchy then don’t even do that job. Nobody likes the first day at a new place. They’re scared enough already. You don’t need to scare them anymore. That and do you really want this to be someone’s first impression of your facility? I would think not but then, what the hell do I know? Obviously not to eat beef jerky in class, now. But what else do I know? Well, I’ll tell you what I know. I know how to treat my elders with respect. I know how to treat grown persons as adults. I know that someone who just left my facility 15 weeks ago probably doesn’t need to go through orientation again. I know eating beef jerky is not going to hurt a computer. I know that I’m a grown ass adult but still get called down in class because I’m bored as fuck and make sarcastic comments and still somehow at the age of 45, get myself in trouble in class? So, I know nothing much has changed for me since second grade. Funny, once a class clown, always a class clown. Even now. Leave it to me to disrupt other people’s learning. You’re welcome. I knew you were bored anyway.

Tonight I go in and work on the floor. Yes, orienting on the floor. Stupidity again. I know I shouldn’t complain because it’ll probably be a good night and maybe not so hard? But I know how I am. I know I’ll be upset with someone trying to show me things I already know. I know I’ll roll my eyes more than once. I know I’ll be the most sarcastic person on the planet. God help my preceptor is all I can say. But, I’ll get to work with my patients and I know that, that part of my job is the reason I do my job. I like doing the actual job of nursing. I love my patients. I am there for them. That’s why I became a nurse. All the politics, paperwork, classes, computer work, and filler. That is not why I became a nurse. I became a nurse to help people. I may have to get through the fluff of all these requirements to be able to do my job. This is why I can though. I want to just be a nurse. I want patients to take care of. Sometimes I’ve questioned why in the world did I want to do this job? I guess I’m deep down a true caretaker at heart. I guess I like to help people less fortunate than me. I guess I really do love people and truly want to help them. It’s why I became a nurse.

So, this troubled, ADHD, Dyslexic, non-conformist, beef jerky eating, elder protecting, nurse has successfully made it through another orientation, after two more nights on the floor and am now ready to take care of my patients. Though this little spill has been difficult for me, it’s all going to be worth it. I do love this facility and the people I work with there. It’s a pretty good place to work but the people make it bearable. I may not be your idea of a perfect nurse and there is no perfect facility or hospital but I can tell you this. You won’t find a more dedicated nurse and you won’t find a better hospital. At least I haven’t found one yet and I’ve been traveling now for 3 years. So, all in all I’m happy to be back and looking forward to seeing all my friends I left behind. And I’m available for class disruptions, anytime, just ask.

 

I. Am. Fed. Up!

Over the past few days I have been bombarded with this Donald Trump rallies/ Move On movement all over the TV and everywhere else. As my title to this blog implies, I am fed up. In that aspect I have something in common with Trump supporters, I suppose. I am not a Trump supporter. As a matter of fact, I’m not a supporter of either party. There is no politician alive that thinks like I do. Never has been, and probably never will be. I am a registered voter but I am registered as unaffiliated and that’s the way I like it. I will vote for whoever I think will do the best job. I will cast my vote in the primaries in order to sway which way I want the election to go. Sometimes my vote in the primaries is less about who I’d actually vote for and more about casting a vote against a particular politician. See, for those of you who don’t know. When I walk into the primaries to cast my vote, I get to choose which party I vote for. I can vote democrat, republican or libertarian and I’ve used this to my specific advantage over the years. This year I’ve already cast my ballot and I chose to vote republican. As I said before, I don’t like Donald Trump and I cast a vote for Marco Rubio, against Trump. I think that having Trump as our president would be a complete disaster. With that being said, I don’t like Hillary either. I think they are both as full of shit as they can possibly be. Here’s a quick bit of info for you all… Poli-tics, poly means many and ticks are blood sucking parasites. So, many blood sucking parasites. That about sums them all up. Some more than others.

My political views have always been different than anybody else’s. This probably doesn’t surprise any of my close friends because I’ve never had a problem speaking my mind about anything that is considered a “touchy” subject. I’ll listen to your side of the story just as well. I believe you have the right to peacefully assemble and protest but from what I’ve seen over the past several days, it has been far from peaceful, on both sides. I believe in women’s rights. I think that women should be able to do anything a man can and get paid as much for doing it. I also think that women, as a woman, I don’t think we help ourselves any by trying to be all slutty and showing off ourselves as sexual objects, this doesn’t make people, especially men, view us as equals. I think women should use their brains and not their bodies to get attention and gain respect. Feminism is about empowering women. Taking off your clothes and publishing nude pictures of yourself or doing porn does not qualify as empowering. It is belittling. It is disgraceful. It’s giving men the degrading images that hold us, as women, down and does not empower us, at all. You have that right though but from one woman to another, please stop? This is another reason I can’t vote for Trump. I hate beauty pageants and I think they should be banned. Women should not be paraded around in swimsuits and judged by their appearance. I know they have to have talent and answer questions about issues but, I mean, please, when’s the last time you saw a 200 plus pound woman win? Ever? Right. I didn’t think so. When’s the last time you saw a woman with short hair, wearing a tuxedo during the “gown” competition and not wearing makeup win? Same as before, never. So, let’s do ourselves a favor as women and boycott this kind of sexist event. I don’t believe the government should be an all consuming force. Ask the people who lived in Russia under socialism how that worked out for them. Ask the people in Germany who lived through Hitler, how that worked out for them. There’s a line that our government should never cross. They shouldn’t be able to tell me what I believe or what I shouldn’t or what I can say or not. I do believe we need stronger borders. It’s not fair to the people who follow the rules and paths for citizenship in this country. There should be consequences for breaking the law and it should be enforced. If we didn’t have borders then there wouldn’t even be different countries. The U.S.A. Wouldn’t even exist if we didn’t have borders. I appreciate the fact that people think that this is such a wonderful place to live that they want to move here but there are rules. You have to have rules. You have to follow those rules if you want to live here. That’s just the way it is. If I wanted to go live in Canada then I’d have to follow their rules. Same here. If I entered Canada illegally then there would be consequences. That’s the way borders work. We can’t all just willy nelly switch countries. That would be mass chaos. So, yeah, strengthen our borders, agreed. I don’t believe in abortion, I believe in common sense. I believe that in certain situations that a woman should be able to have a legal abortion, like rape or incest or life threatening pregnancy. It’s not the popular view but it’s my view. I don’t think that abortion should be used as a form of birth control and some people use it as such. There are plenty of ways to not get pregnant so, use them. I believe that marijuana should be legalized in all states. Marijuana’s benefits far outweigh the risk. If marijuana was legal and regulated by the government, like alcohol and cigarettes then we could pay off the national debt in no time. Not even mentioning the economic boom and jobs it would create. Medically, marijuana would be an asset to the medical community and the patients. Do you know it is not possible for someone to overdose on marijuana? However, it is very possible for someone to overdose on oxycodone, hydrocodone, morphine, dilaudid, OxyContin, alcohol, cocaine, heroine, and even codeine. I think that legalizing marijuana would help a lot of people with drug dependencies, anxiety, depression, cancer, PTSD, chronic pain, nausea, migraines, arthritis and they can’t kill themselves by overdosing. Like I said the benefits far outweigh the risk. Alcohol is legal and causes far more problems than marijuana ever has. I believe that legal unions between same-sex couples are fine but if the word “marriage” offends some people then just don’t label it as such, as long as “civil union” has the same rights as marriage then I don’t care. I think there should be common law marriages for anybody that has lived in the same household that are not related to each other, legally or otherwise, after seven years. I mean, some people don’t even believe in marriage and it’s not fair that they can’t file taxes together or claim each other on their work insurance or benefits. I also think that if you have an elderly parent that you are taking care of, that you should be able to claim them as a dependent on your taxes. Even if they aren’t living under the same roof as you. I think the social security system needs an overhaul. People cannot live off social security and they, at a certain age, should be able to live comfortably. They’ve paid their dues in the workforce and deserve free healthcare and a decent check with an amount that is reasonable. No one can live off of a $700 check or less a month. Then have to pay for insurance out of that. I think we need a better healthcare system and Obamacare is not it. I don’t think in such a wealthy country that we should have anyone that is not covered by some sort of medical coverage. There are still people who do not have healthcare and do without medicine and medical care because they fall through the holes. I know this because not only do I see it all the time at work but my sister is one of them. In our country everyone should have healthcare, dental care and vision care, no exceptions. I volunteered at a clinic where this was the population that we saw. The people who, for one reason or another, could not afford healthcare and didn’t qualify for government help. It happens people, still. I believe in equal opportunity for all but I don’t believe that someone should get priority for getting a job because of the color of their skin, thier sex, their religious beliefs, their sexual orientation, physical disability, age or anything of this sort. You should hire the best candidate for the job, period. That’s why I refuse to answer those questions on a job application. I don’t think that there should EVER be anyone in this country that doesn’t have food, shelter, and clothing. We are far to great of a nation for this to even be possible. These are just a few of my particular brand of beliefs and so you can see why I have a hard time finding a political party that matches them. The only way I’d find a political party that believed the things I believe would be if I started my own. I also don’t believe that companies should get tax breaks for sending jobs over seas. We have plenty of people in this country that need jobs. If you want jobs to come here then give companies huge incentives to make products here in America. If everything we bought was made in America imagine the financial state we’d be in. I don’t think anyone should discriminate against any certain group of people and that includes Evangelical Christians. They have as much right to believe and speak about their beliefs as anyone else does. I think that if someone disagrees with something because it’s their beliefs, then they shouldn’t be made to do it. Like if you are a pastor and you don’t believe in marrying a couple because they are the same-sex then you shouldn’t have to. If your religious beliefs are against something then you shouldn’t be forced to praticipate. Like the cake shop that refused to make the wedding cake for a same-sex couple. That was their business and they should have that right. That would be like going into a Jewish owned establishment and forcing them to put their meat and eggs in the same place. It’s not Kosher, in more ways than one. So, just go somewhere else and do business. It’s a FREE country. That’s why we choose to live here. If a shop was owned by a same-sex couple and they didn’t believe in opposite-sex marriage and they refused to make a wedding cake for them then that would be alright too. You see we should all be able to have the right to stand for what we believe in. Freedom of religion, speech, and all of the constitution, applies to us all. I believe in the right to bear arms. I am an avid gun enthusiast and I have that right by the 2nd amendment. Do I think you should have to have an extensive background check to be able to buy guns? Yes, of course you should, but only criminals don’t follow these laws. Law abiding people are the ones who legally purchase firearms. Criminals will have guns no matter what, because they are Criminals! Wake up people! More gun laws are not going to change the way criminals obtain guns. More gun laws are just going to keep honest people from being able to protect themselves from those criminals. I like to think of it this way. My dad use to say that someone was a “hotel thief”. When I asked him what in the heck is a “hotel thief?” His response was, “They wouldn’t break in your house to steal from you, but if you give them a key they’ll rob you blind.” Good point. Honest people are, well, honest and dishonest people, well, you get the point. Another problem I have with gun control is Hitler, yes, Hitler, yes that one, I think there was only one? Thank God. Well, he was Pro- gun control too. I don’t make a point of quoting sadist but here is a quote from him, “This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future!”- Adolph Hitler- 1935. Hmm? Right before he started rounding up the Jews, homosexuals and anyone who helped them into concentration camps. Probably helped that they couldn’t protect themselves, huh? Yeah, like I said.

Anyway, with all of that being said I think that Donald Trump has as much right to safely hold a political rally as anyone else does. Do I like him? No. Do I think he should be attacked and the people who have come to hear him be attacked? No. We all need to keep in mind that just because we don’t agree with someone’s opinion does not mean that they are “ignorent”, “uneducated”, “racist”, or “bigots”. We all have the right to voice our opinions. Whether right or wrong. Whether we agree or not. We still have that right. We have got to stand for something in this nation or we’re going to fall for anything. Stop being so “Politically Correct”. Honestly I think that the term “Politically Correct” is an oxymoron. What’s correct about politics? It’s the most incorrect thing in this country. Even though people say that anyone can someday grow up and become the president. It’s not true. You have to have money and a lot of it to run for any office, especially the presidential office. Do people really believe they are helping by protesting these rallies? Hell No! You’re just giving Donald Trump more attention and free air time. That’s all you’re doing. If you want him to win, then keep up the good work. If you’d rather not have a president Trump, then stop giving him what he wants. He wants you to get him on the news. He wants you to protest and give him fuel to stoke the fire even more. You’re playing into his game. And then the Liberials say that the Republicans are the uneducated people, well, I don’t know? Looks to me like you’re the ones getting played.

I’m sick of hearing about Donald Trump. I’m sick of politicians in general. They ALL lie! ALL of them no matter what party. My request to you all, is this. Vote for the person who best fits your personal beliefs. You have that right. I’m definitely not telling anyone who to vote for. It’s all of our rights to vote. That’s called a democracy. So, are you for Trump or not? If you are, vote for him. If you’re not, then don’t. But let him speak. That’s his right. Just like it’s my right to write this blog. Stop the madness. Educate yourself on the candidates and make your voice heard in November, at the polls and in the primaries, vote for your candidate or against another one. It’s still a free country. Let’s keep it that way.