Here I Go Again, and Unfortunately I’m Not Talking About The Whitesnake Song

As my blog implies I am a traveling nurse as most of my readers and followers already know. This travel assignment that I started Monday is at a facility that I’ve worked at before. Sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes maybe not so good? Somehow or another though I’ve only been gone from there for 13 weeks, actually 15 weeks but let’s not get technical. It’s been a short amount of time. That’s my point. God? I’m so ADD I think I’ve forgotten my point? Oh yeah, my point, my point is, damn how do I do this? Ok, so it’s not been that long since I worked there! And like I was saying, somehow or another I had to go through orientation, again. Now, it’s kind of a funny thing how travel companies work sometimes. My recruiter told me that the hospital wanted me to go through orientation and they were “requiring” that I did. But, they wouldn’t pay for me to do it. Tell me this makes any sense to you because it totally doesn’t make any sense to me. If you are going to require someone to go through orientation again, that just left there after working at your facility for a year, then you sure as hell should have to pay for it. That just would make too much sense though. So, my company is having to pay me to do orientation. They didn’t require me to do it but they are paying for it. Yeah, really.

I just made it through two days of being bored out of my fucking mind. I had to sit there and listen to shit I already knew and do things I’d already done for two days. This doesn’t bode well with me. I get bored very easily and thus have always had trouble in school. I have to have something to do! I stayed in trouble in school because most of the time I was bored out of my mind! And that was when I was learning something new. Can you imagine learning something I already knew? Not good. So, I got called down for eating beef jerky. Yes, I was eating beef jerky in class. But, I mean, damn, we are all adults here! The lady offered us water, coffee, and stuff so what’s going to damage a computer faster? Water or beef jerky? I think, water. I wasn’t hurting anyone. What’s the difference between chewing gum or chewing beef jerky? Not anything except you swallow the beef jerky. Anyway, this upset me and obviously she’s a PETA supporter who has some personal vendetta against beef jerky. Obviously. Then today she was such a bitch to one of the ladies in class that I was feeling quite stabby towards her by the end of the day. I have a soft spot for more, um, mature people and she was like riding this ladies ass over every fucking thing she did. We were doing computer training and she was just being so mean to this lady. Yes, it doesn’t bother me to eat cow but it does bother me for someone to be singled out and treated differently than everybody else just because of their age. Don’t mess with my old people because I get very defensive on their behalf, I’m just warning you. That and I hate rudeness and meanness. Go get laid or something lady but don’t be a bitch! Dang!

I had been through this orientation before. It wasn’t with the same person. It was actually pleasant. Guess it just goes to show you, it’s all about attitude. If you’re going to be bitchy then don’t even do that job. Nobody likes the first day at a new place. They’re scared enough already. You don’t need to scare them anymore. That and do you really want this to be someone’s first impression of your facility? I would think not but then, what the hell do I know? Obviously not to eat beef jerky in class, now. But what else do I know? Well, I’ll tell you what I know. I know how to treat my elders with respect. I know how to treat grown persons as adults. I know that someone who just left my facility 15 weeks ago probably doesn’t need to go through orientation again. I know eating beef jerky is not going to hurt a computer. I know that I’m a grown ass adult but still get called down in class because I’m bored as fuck and make sarcastic comments and still somehow at the age of 45, get myself in trouble in class? So, I know nothing much has changed for me since second grade. Funny, once a class clown, always a class clown. Even now. Leave it to me to disrupt other people’s learning. You’re welcome. I knew you were bored anyway.

Tonight I go in and work on the floor. Yes, orienting on the floor. Stupidity again. I know I shouldn’t complain because it’ll probably be a good night and maybe not so hard? But I know how I am. I know I’ll be upset with someone trying to show me things I already know. I know I’ll roll my eyes more than once. I know I’ll be the most sarcastic person on the planet. God help my preceptor is all I can say. But, I’ll get to work with my patients and I know that, that part of my job is the reason I do my job. I like doing the actual job of nursing. I love my patients. I am there for them. That’s why I became a nurse. All the politics, paperwork, classes, computer work, and filler. That is not why I became a nurse. I became a nurse to help people. I may have to get through the fluff of all these requirements to be able to do my job. This is why I can though. I want to just be a nurse. I want patients to take care of. Sometimes I’ve questioned why in the world did I want to do this job? I guess I’m deep down a true caretaker at heart. I guess I like to help people less fortunate than me. I guess I really do love people and truly want to help them. It’s why I became a nurse.

So, this troubled, ADHD, Dyslexic, non-conformist, beef jerky eating, elder protecting, nurse has successfully made it through another orientation, after two more nights on the floor and am now ready to take care of my patients. Though this little spill has been difficult for me, it’s all going to be worth it. I do love this facility and the people I work with there. It’s a pretty good place to work but the people make it bearable. I may not be your idea of a perfect nurse and there is no perfect facility or hospital but I can tell you this. You won’t find a more dedicated nurse and you won’t find a better hospital. At least I haven’t found one yet and I’ve been traveling now for 3 years. So, all in all I’m happy to be back and looking forward to seeing all my friends I left behind. And I’m available for class disruptions, anytime, just ask.

 

Possibly the Longest 5 Days of My Life

I am anticipating a visit this weekend from the love of my life. Well, technically I’m writing this on Sunday night so it’s still the weekend but this coming up Saturday is the day. Last time we saw each other in person was the 24th of last month. That’s a long time of texting, face timing, and talking on the phone. She’s driving down here this time. Last time I drove up there. I’ve never had a long distance relationship before now. Those of you who have know that it’s really hard. Especially if you actually want to be with the other person. Last night we face timed for like almost 3 hours. That’s harder on me because I can see her sweet face and I want to kiss her and I can’t. Hey Apple, Can you get on that invention where you can actually kiss someone on face time? Because that would be fucking awesome!

So, we all know how it is when you’re going to have a visitor to your house. You get all freaked out about everything and even if your house is clean it’s not clean anymore. Yeah, well, that’s been me. I’ve like done everything. That and I pay to have my house cleaned and it’s supposed to be cleaned the Thursday before she arrives but that’s not good enough. So, I’ve been frantically trying to make sure everything is perfect. I mean when you have regular visitors to your house you want it to look good but this is more than just another visitor. This is my love. Not only does the house need to be perfect but I need to be perfect, too. You all know what I’m talking about. Shave the legs, paint the nails, wax stuff, and well, you know just get everything as perfect as possible. I’m cooking for her so tomorrow is the grocery store trip. Though I’ve been waiting for a month all of a sudden I’m like  sacred I’m not going to get it all done in time. But honestly even if I don’t, I’m still glad it’s so close to time. I can barely contain myself. I’m like a kid who knows he’s getting the most awesome present ever and Christmas is 5 days away. Yeah, I’m that excited. I’m just a big kid anyway. I get so excited and I show it.

I don’t know if I’ve shared this fact yet with my readers but the roommate is also the ex, who found Jesus. This has been a source of friction. She flipped when she found out I was talking to someone. Mind you people, we haven’t been together as a couple for 11 years. That’s a long time. We were friends but just friends. She has been psycho bitch or bipolar bitch, since she found out. It has not been pleasant. One minute she’s trying to get me saved and the next she’s saying inappropriate things to me. I did tell her that if this was too much for her that maybe she needed to move out. There has been arguing and fussing everyday. She doesn’t want to move or says she can’t? I’m not really convinced of this fact. I just don’t know what her deal is. But it is my house so I’m not moving. Anyway we’ve been friends for 14 years and I told her I didn’t want to hate her but she’s really driving me toward it, rapidly. Today she has preached to me all day. I couldn’t even watch tv without the bombardment of preaching. You know what? If you want to go to church and you make that choice then do it. If I don’t then don’t shove Jesus down my throat. Oh my god! Lesbian drama. Well ex lesbian drama? I don’t even know anymore. All I know is I want her to leave because I can’t live in constant turmoil. I’m not built for that. I have a stressful job. I don’t need stress 24/7. This one is to be continued about her moving out. However I did tell her she was going to need to be gone for 5 days coming up and she’s known for awhile and has agreed to do it. I believe she’ll do it if not for the simple fact that she’s scared of Cybil. No, not Cybil Shepherd, My Cybil. That part of me that’s the crazy fucking bitch that will do stuff that in myself I’d never do. The one who doesn’t care what the neighbors think. The one who will beat someone’s ass if need be. Yeah, that one. Cybil is a crazy fucking bitch, let me tell you. She scares me so, I’m sure she scares the hell out of other people. Anyway, I’m sure she’ll do what I asked because of that fear of Cybil. She would rather not deal with her. If she doesn’t do what I’ve asked then, ta da! Heeeerrrreeee’s Cybil! So, like I said, she will.

As I was saying, Saturday is the big day! I get to wrap my arms around my baby and finally kiss her. The good part is that I think she’s as excited as me. But we are different people and where as I’m like all spastic and over the top with excitement she is more of a calm person. That’s probably a good thing? I don’t know, if we were both like me it’d be, a little much. That and I need a calm person in my life to steady me. I’m like 99 mph almost all the time. So, to have someone say, calm down, is a good thing. I love everything about her but that keeping me a little grounded is a wonderful thing for me to have. I think she’s just perfect for me. That and I know she loves me for me. Me and my over the top, 99 mph, high-strung, opinionated, talkative, self. That is a wonderful feeling.

We keep talking about the first thing we’re going to want to do. I think both of us agree that hugging and kissing is at the very top of the list. I could kiss her for hours and actually have. You take for granted when you’re in a relationship that’s with someone local that you can just drive to their house and kiss and hug them anytime. But when you’re almost 8 hours away, that’s not easy. I’ve missed everything about her since a month ago. What I’ve missed most though is hard to say because there’s so many things. Her kisses though are one of a kind. I do miss kissing her a lot. I miss holding her hand. I miss holding her in my arms. I miss snuggling up to her in the middle of the night. I miss it all. I can’t contain myself sometimes. Those conversations we have that are mostly telling each other how much we love each other. Those conversations I usually end up crying. Not because I’m sad usually. I end up crying out of happiness. Happiness that I’m so blessed to have finally found someone who  loves me so much and that I love more than anything or anybody, ever. I only thought I was in love before. I know what real love feels like now and I’m not letting that go. No matter distance. No matter circumstances. I’m not giving up on this kind of love. I’ll never find it again. I’m in it whole heartedly. For the long haul, however long it takes. She’s the one I want to be with forever. Forever love is worth whatever it takes to make it happen. Am I right?

I have never had anyone to make me feel this way. I have never had anyone to be so good to me. I have never had anyone to excite me like this before. I have never had anyone kiss me like she does. I’ve never been treated like she treats me. I’ve never been told how beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, cute, smart, that I am. Oh and folks the other day she got me good. I’ve really never been called a goddess before. I was speechless. I know, me? Speechless? Hard to believe it myself. The thing though with Steph, is that she’s just her. She’s not putting on airs. She’s just the way she is. She’s honest and forthcoming. She isn’t trying to impress me. She knows she’s got me. But even before that, she has never been fake. I hate fake people. I love that she’s herself with me. I love that. But goddess? Wow, I still kind of can’t believe she called me that. If I were a conceded person that would’ve blown my ego through the roof. Instead, I’m just amazed by it every time I think of it. That she thinks that much of me. It just gets me.

So, the longest 5 days of my life so far. That is probably true? I know I’ve been marking the days off the calendar. It’s so close now. I know we have plans to go places and do stuff around here and we will do those. But the most important part is that we have 5 days together and that’s the part I’m looking forward to most. Just being with her, no matter what we do. I love her with all of me. Everything I have to love her with, I love her with. I want to spoil her rotten. I want to make her happy. When she’s happy, I’m happy. And I’m hoping we are both going to be overwhelmingly happy for 5 days in just 5 days. Like I ask her all the time, how did I get so lucky?

 

She Has My Heart, This I Know

So, I actually told Steph that I was going to share with everyone the text that I wrote her the other morning. I try to wake up and write her a little note every morning before she goes to work. As much as I didn’t mean for it to be a poem or maybe even a short story, it kind of came out that way. We spent 3 and 1/2 glorious days together recently and it felt so good just to be able to sleep in the bed together and it’s like I’ve been missing that ever since. So, here it is folks. Proof I’ve fallen so hard and unlike the lady on the lifeline commercial, I don’t want to get up. The text was as follows…

“These r the times I miss u the most. When I wake up half asleep and reach out for u but no ones there. Just the empty bed. This is when I know ur not here. I can’t slide over to u and put my arms around u and squeeze u just enough to have u groggily say, mmmm. Then I kiss the side of ur face and pull u into me as far as possible and lay awake for a moment just taking u all in. Every little detail. I don’t know what time it is and I don’t care because I have the love of my life wrapped in my arms and it’s the moments like this that I live for. No pressure. No demands, just pure unconditional love. Maybe I’ll run my hands up and down ur side, back, face, hair. Maybe I’ll lightly scratch ur back because I know u like that. But mostly I know that while ur sleeping I’ll lay there and look at u and hope and pray that I never ever lose u. Tears will begin to prick at my eyes and my heart starts to pound in my chest because I know that I myself would rather die than for you to. That’s when I realize that I love you more than my own life. That’s when I realize that I always want this. I always want u beside me in the middle of the night so that I can realize every night how much I love u. I look down at your face while u sleep and I can tell that ur dreaming and I only hope that all ur good dreams include me. I kiss the side of ur face softly and snuggle into u. I love u more at this moment than I have ever realized before. I know in this moment the miles between us seem astronomical. I know in this moment that nothing could keep me from u. Miles, job, family, friends, finances, nothing. I smile and snuggle closer and know that I want this the rest of my life, forever and always and that I’ll do whatever it takes to get this. I love you more than mere words can express. U leave me speechless in ur presence sometimes and that’s never happened to me before. I don’t know but after I got to writing this I thought? This is more like a poem or short story that a text. I may tweak it and use it later? But this is what I felt when I automatically reached for u and realized u weren’t here and then the next thing I reached for was my phone to see if ud text me and if not I was going to text u and then it turned into this. I told u you’re my muse. I love you Steph!!!! More than mere words could ever express.”

Y’all, I absolutely adore this woman! I really don’t know what I would do if she ever stopped loving me. I’m sure I bug the ever living shit out of her some days. She never bugs me though. I want her with me 24/7. I know I’ve said it before but I’ve never been in love like this before. I’ve turned into this big gushy, lovey dovey, head over heels in love sap! I swear this has never been me. Really, I swear, I haven’t. I just had to share this and share that it did make a pretty happy woman that morning. Which if she’s happy then I’m happy. So, I guess it made two happy women, that morning?

My Family Disowns Me, Part Two

When I was 18 years old my dad kicked me out of the house. I knew this was coming mind you. I heard him say it since I could remember. I graduated high school when I was 17. I like to tell people that because it makes them think I’m incredibly smart. In truth, I was just born in June and my birthday fell right after graduation. So, genius? Not so much. Anyway, as I was saying my dad had threatened me with this my whole life. When you are 18 you’re  outta here! I was expecting it. It was not a surprise.

Graduation night is supposed to be one of the best nights of your teenage life. Mine was turned into a nightmare by my dad. He invited my Evil Stepmonster to attend. By this time we had actually been away from her for three years. She had mentally, physically, emotionally and psychologically abused me and my sister for five years and by that time it had all ended. My dad had either chosen to ignore it or he’s a complete and utter dumbass? Maybe both of those things are true? I still suffer the aftermath of my childhood. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and Mood Disorder and that’s the tip of the iceberg, I’m sure. All because of my fucked up childhood. Thanks to my fucked up parents and especially thanks to my Evil Stepmonster.

Some background here. Quick synopsis of my childhood. Born, mom and dad hate each other, fight, fight, fight, put in foster home at 6 months old to a year old, mom and dad make up, get me back, fight, fight, fight, breakup, mom goes lesbian for a few months, mom decides she likes dick, mom and dad makeup, fight, fight, fight, breakup, live at grandmas with dad, mom and dad makeup, fight, fight, little sister is born, fight, breakup, makeup, fight, fight, mom leaves for another man, dad is left with us, we move in with grandma, live with her for three years, dad meets psycho bitch from hell and gets a really hot piece of ass and decides he can’t live without it, marries psycho bitch and she becomes the Evil Stepmonster, life as I know it is fucked up forever! Ok, so we will start there. My dad married this crazy bitch but no one knew how crazy she actually was. I knew the first week we were there. She came into the living room one night after I had taken a shower. I was 10 years old. She was a big woman. When I say big, I mean big. Tall big, like 6 foot and big size big, a definite plus size woman. When my dad had decided to marry her I cried all that day. Not because he was marrying someone who was not my mom. God knows, even then, I knew that, that relationship was never going to workout. I just knew that this was the end of my life as I knew it. Had she ever hit me or threatened me up to that point? No, she hadn’t. I just knew something was wrong. I’ll never forget my Aunt Brenda coming into my bedroom, which was actually just an extra bed in my grandmas room, and telling me that I was just upset because my dad was marrying someone who wasn’t my mom. Uh, no, Aunt Brenda that was totally not the fucking problem! Stupid adults. They think they know everything. You don’t! Anyway, my dad was doing this and there was nothing I could do to stop it. So yeah, my life was fucked! Like I was saying, that first night she showed her true colors was because I had hung my bath towel up and it was not straight. She leaned over me and said “You think you’re the queen of this house? You’re not! I am! And don’t you forget it! You little bitch!” Then she proceeded to beat me with her fist with body shots. She was good at covering her abuse. I was like a punching bag. She then said loudly “This is my house and I’m the queen of this house!” She had established her superiority. I knew this was going to be as bad, if not worse than I had anticipated. It wasn’t just us that she beat on. Her and my dad fought all the time. Got drunk and fought each other or more like she just beat the shit out of my dad because he wouldn’t hit a woman. He didn’t have any problem hitting me though. He had watched his dad beat his mom and he just wouldn’t hit my Stepmonster back. It was beyond a nightmare. I would say that my dad didn’t know she was beating us too but I don’t see how he didn’t know. I woke up one night to her standing beside the bunk beds. She was straggling my sister. I could her my sister choking. My sister was 4 years younger than me. So, she was like 6? I yelled as loud as I could for my dad. We left that night and went, you guessed it, back to grandmas. Then the Stepmonster called and actually talked my dad into coming back. My sister still had marks on her neck and my stupid ass father went back and took us back into that. My grandma had begged him not to take us back into that house. She begged him to just leave us there. He refused, of course and took us back to be tortured some more and possibly killed. He was thinking with his dick and not anything else.

So, my high school graduation night. He invites the bitch to come. Why in the hell was this happening to me? Then he insisted that I clean up my room. Why? Because the Evil Stepmonster could not stand anything to be out of place. This psycho bitch did white glove test after us kids had cleaned the house. I suspect he was doing this to get a piece of ass. I’m not sure but I hated him. I refused to pick up my room. He went off the deep end and beat me with the handle of the broom and left a huge bruise in the shape of the broom handle across my wrist. She attended my graduation. He got his wish. I don’t know if he got his wish of a piece of ass. But he got his wish of ruining my entire fucking night! My night. My night to walk across that stage and graduate from high school. He not only had ruined my life but he had ruined every special occasion or big moment I had ever had. I hated him. I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of his house. Gladly, I would leave. As soon as I went to graduation week with my friends in Myrtle Beach, SC. As soon as I got back I was planning on leaving. This would not be any problem. Except for I didn’t have anywhere to go. But I figured I would figure that out after the week of fun away from him and all his crazy fucked up decisions.

When I got back from the beach I was officially 18. So, time to get out. I had a job. I have always worked since I was old enough to do it. Since I was like 10 years old. I started baby sitting for neighbors and mowing yards. Been working ever since. I learned very young that if you ever want anything then you have to work. My dad sure as hell wasn’t going to give me money. So, I worked. I had a job in high school. I worked all the way through high school. Paid for my car. Bought my necessities. I don’t even have my junior year annual because I had to pay for it and I didn’t have the money. I asked my dad and he said “You work. You buy it.” and that was that. And people wonder why I don’t want to be around my dad now. Well, I guess now you know. I love my dad because he is my dad but I don’t like him, at all.

I ended up moving in with my mom. My mom is a very religious person now. She was going to church and had changed her life for the better. She was still married to my step dad. The one she left my dad and us for. Religion was working for her. She really had changed. I was actually impressed. She kept on at me and kept asking me to go to church with her. I ended up giving in. I mean it had worked for her right? Why not? What could it hurt? So, I went and I ended up liking it. The pastor was so caring and loving and for the first time in my life I felt loved. The pastor was wonderful and I ended up staying at her church. As you all know, I’m a lesbian. I ended up getting really close with one of the women who played the bass guitar at church. She played the bass guitar and opened up the services. We hung out together a lot. I have a thing for musicians. She opened up to me that she use to be a lesbian. Eventually, we ended up together. So much for “use to be a lesbian” hey y’all a tiger can’t change it’s stripes, so I’ve learned the hard way. It was the biggest church scandal in Kannapolis, NC, ever! We walked out of church together. She was eleven years my senior. Her name is Vickie. I admired a lot of things about her. One of the biggest things was she had guts. She didn’t play. If she loved someone then she would fight for them. She was not scared of anything. She stood up for me to her family. To my family. To the church people. She’d beat somebody up for talking about me. She was not a fake. She didn’t ever pretend to be someone she wasn’t. Well? Maybe playing reformed lesbian for awhile in church? We were together for 9 years. We fought like cats and dogs. The sex was good but everything else was not. She was controlling. She was very jealous. She never really trusted me. She accused me of cheating so much that I actually thought about doing it. She was abusive physically sometimes too. But then I thought, what did I expect, this was just like my parents were. This must just be the way people really are? It was a rough relationship. She had a son who was 12 years old when we got together. He hated me. It wasn’t all bad though. We had our good times. We were out of the closet. Everybody knew we were together. That was nice. She ended up going back to Church and I did too. I stayed there for another two years. Until I walked out of church again and she stayed. I would still to this day be there if she needed me. She was my first. My first woman. My first time. My first partner. My first on a lot of things. I care about her as a friend still. I don’t want to be in a relationship with her ever again, but I’d still help her if she needed me and I’d like to think she would do the same for me.

As I said it was the biggest church scandal ever when we walked out of church and turned out to be, lesbians! God forbid! My mom kicked me out of her house but I was leaving anyway. She told me I was going to hell and she pretty much disowned me. She ended up not speaking to me for six months after I left her house. I embarrassed her. I was the worst person ever. I had waltzed into church and seduced the bass player and the pastors right hand woman. I was the devil. I say that hearing Kathy Bates in the Water Boys  voice. Sorry. Anyways, I was the bad one. I had quite the reputation among church goers in that small town. So, my mom disowned me as I said, and my dad actually tried to talk me out of being a lesbian. I told him I was a lesbian when I was in the 4th grade. He didn’t believe me. He didn’t think I even knew what a lesbian was. Guess I proved him wrong? He told me we ALL had those tendencies but it didn’t mean we had to act on them. That acting on them was a choice. That’s the point of the conversation that it got weird. All I could think about was, did my dad have these tendencies? I think I probably blocked out the rest of that conversation, I’m just sayin’ people, wouldn’t you have? He called me at Vickies moms house where we were staying at that point, before we left. Due in part because her brother and mom got told we were “together” because the church people told them. And just like I said, Vickie was not having anyone saying anything about me. So, they said she could stay but I’d have to go. We both left. She gave them the choice. Either I stayed or we both left. It was a huge mess. Her and her brother ended up physically fighting. Her brother hunted me down with a gun. He was going to kill me. I remember hiding out at this guys house waiting to be told if the coast was clear. I didn’t even know the guy. He was a friend of her sisters. Waiting for the coast to be clear so I wouldn’t get shot. Yeah, it was crazy. But my family and her family had disowned us. All but her sister. She let us stay at her house until we got a place. With her and her husband and five kids. She didn’t have room but she made room. I loved her. She died young of cervical cancer. She was not only my, well, sort of sister-in-law except not in law. She was like my sister too. My sister didn’t have anything to do with me for a long long time. Even when she did finally speak to me she wouldn’t allow me to be around my neice or for my neice to be around me because I was a big fucking lesbian. Ha! How’d that work out for her? In spite of her keeping my neice away from me my neice ended up dating a woman for awhile. Hey, she can’t blame that one on me. That was all her and her straight husbands fault. Even kept her away from me when I started going back to church and was a “reformed lesbian” Scared I would make her daughter gay. Well, like I said, wasn’t me. I mean, she’s with a guy now but yeah, she went there.

So, that is the first story of my family disowning me and now we get to do it all over again. I was disowned at 19 and now I’m getting disowned again at age 44. Why? Because I’m doing it again. I’m being a lesbian. I got news for all of you. I’ve always been a lesbian. I’ve been a lesbian all my life. I know this because I had a crush on Lisa Welchel on the Mikey Mouse Club, I was 4 years old. Can’t make this shit up. I’ve tried to pray it away. I’ve tried to be someone I’m not. I can’t be reformed or delivered. The demon or spirit can’t be prayed out. I can’t practice abstinence so that I can be “right with God” I’ve already tried their way. It has never worked. It’s not gonna work now. All my friends are mostly church people. Well, were church people. They all have pretty much said that I’m, no surprise here, gonna go to hell. My mom has told me this too. She however has decided to at least talk to me but I’m still going to hell. But I know this, I was told. I know better. I know what’s right. I’m choosing to do wrong. Here we go again. My dad only calls me if he wants something. My sister is the same. My neice? Well, she and I have never really been close. She never called me to begin with. So, here I am at 44 and nothing has ever really changed. I haven’t changed in 44 years and neither has my family. I love them because they are my family but, I mean come on. Can’t we just all get along? For once in my life I’m truly happy and I can’t even share this with my family but then I think, when has my family ever been happy? Or happy for me? Never. So just like I’m not going to change being a lesbian, they aren’t going to change how they feel about me being a lesbian. I guess both parties are just going to have to agree to disagree. And so goes my disowning part two. But at this point I’m pretty much thinking, fuck them all! I don’t care anymore what anyone else thinks. I’m going to be happy. I’m not living the rest of my life hiding or pretending. Those days are gone forever! Knock, knock motherfuckers! It’s me, your lesbian daughter! I’m out of the closet and you can’t shove me back in no matter what you  think or do. It’s over folks. Like it or lump it. This lesbian has found the one that’s going to make me happy for the rest of my life. And who knows, one day I may actually marry this woman. And I think they hate me now? What’s that going to do? But I’m definitely not taking relationship advice from my parents. They never have had any success at that, themselves. At least I don’t have children to fuck up in my life. So, when they start wanting to give me advice on what to do. I just need to simply say, “Look parents and sibling. None of y’all have ever had any success at relationships. I don’t need or want your advice. Not now, not ever. And if you want to cast the blame of me being a lesbian? Go look in the mirror. And thanks to you, my wonderful loving parents for fucking me up so much that I’ve lived a completely horrible life, up until now. And you’re not going to fuck this up! Just because you all have never been happy doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be happy. So, pretty much either be happy for me or fuck off!” Sorry that that’s the way I feel, but it is.

This was a very personal post from me. Raw and unfiltered. I told myself that when I started blogging that I was going to be as truthful and as open as posssible. This is why I write like I speak. Sometimes I have a filter and sometimes I don’t. This is my life. I want to be as open and as honest as I can. But this one folks is probably the hardest one to post. It deals with some of the horrors of my past but then it ends up with the best thing that has ever happened to me, my Steph. I know, with her, I’m truly happy. I know my parents can’t mess this one up. I know that whether either one of them or my sister and neice accept me or not. She’s the one I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, regardless. Getting disowned at 19 was hard, really hard. But now, I don’t even care if they disown me. I’ve got my Steph and that’s all that really matters to me anymore. Thanks for reading my post and being supportive. I appreciate my readers more than they’ll ever know. And this is the reason I blog. To share my life with the ups and the downs, with all of y’all.

The Love of My Life

I promised all of my followers that I’d keep them up to date on my new-found love relationship. This is that. I got to meet, in person, and spend time with the woman who I met online and have fallen head over heels for, this week. She was all I had hoped for and maybe a little more. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done to say goodbye to her. My heart breaks now even writing about it.

Her name is Stephanie. She is the most thoughtful, beautiful, smart, sexy, funny, kind, wonderful woman who I’ve ever met in my life. She knows that I absolutely love music. So what did she do? She took me to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, of course. She listens to what I say. I say a lot, y’all. That takes some effort. But she pays attention. I’m not saying that in all my past relationships that no one ever paid attention. I’m just saying that she really pays attention. She actually wants to make me happy. I don’t think she realizes that she does make me very happy. It’s been a long time since I couldn’t keep my hands off someone. I don’t think I’ve ever had this problem, so much though, as I do with her. The song by Selena Gomez, “Can’t Keep My Hands To Myself” fits me perfectly, right now. Steph doesn’t like that song, by the way. I told her that she may like it after I was gone back home. I don’t know if she has actually changed her mind about it yet though. No, it’s not just about the physical. Though I’m not lacking any of that for her. It’s something more. Something I’ve never quite experienced before. It’s the total package. It’s all of her and everything about her. The way she makes me laugh. The way she can turn me on with just a certain look, touch, or word. The way she smiles at me. The way she laughs. Her eyes are the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re hazel but sometimes they’re blue. Sometimes they’re gray. Sometimes they’re green. There is this little spot closer to the pupil that’s brown, always no matter what color the rest of them are. They’re just perfect and I see the way they look at me, with love. Her dark hair and the way it smells and feels against my face. The cute little grin she gives me when I say certain things to her. The way she kisses me. Oh My God! The way she kisses me! The way she holds my hand. God, I know I could probably go on forever here. I’ll stop and spare you all the rest. I think you get the point that I’m deeply in love with her and that she’s hot as hell!

As I was saying we spent a little more than the weekend together. I can’t wait to see her again. I started missing her before we ever even said goodbye. It was truly the hardest goodbye I’ve ever had to do. I know that when we are apart, even for a second, I can hardly stand it. I may be totally off here and I may read this years from now and wonder what in the hell I was thinking. But somehow, I don’t think that will happen. I know I said it before but we have something unique and different than anyone else I’ve ever been with. It’s like she’s my missing piece. The piece that fits just right in the whole that my heart has been missing all my life. She’s my girl. If she were a drug I’d be addicted. I am addicted already, actually.

Neither of us are stupid. We know what people say. We know people somehow have trouble believing that we will ever make it. We know people have judgements about meeting people online and long distance relationships and such. We know that any relationship is going to have its ups and downs. We know but we still choose to be with one another. We both have issues now with people, things, situations. There is no perfect relationship. The relationships that last take an effort on both persons parts. We know this. We are still willing to give this thing a shot.

At this moment in time I can tell you that Stephanie makes me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I can honestly say that with no qualms whatsoever. I hope that I do the same for her. Nothing would make me happier than to spend my life making her happy. I can’t express in words the way I feel about her. I try mind you. It’s just never sufficient enough. I asked her permission to post our picture on here but she’s at work and can’t answer my every question right now. So, we will see. Maybe there will be a picture later but we’re both kind of camera-shy.

Our trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was special and a day I’ll never forget. But I think the best moment was sitting on a bench. Looking out over the water. Holding her hand. Seeing a wedding party taking pictures at the waterfront and secretly wishing that one day that’d be us. I was anyway. I know we have a long way to go and a lot of miles and situations between us. I know this all to well. I can only love her with all I have and hope that one day she will be mine and I’ll be hers and we will live happily ever after. The End.

Oh, the Life of a Gypsy Nurse

As most of you already know, I am a Travel Nurse. I had actually been at the same facility for a year before this coming assignment. I had signed over and over with them because I really liked it there and they really liked me, good combination. Of course, you can’t stay at the same facility more than a year without losing your travel benefits and most of us have to have those benefits to pay for housing, gas, and whatever else. So, unfortunately I had to either take 30 days off, without pay, or get another assignment for at least 30 days. Well, no place wants to give you a 4 week assignment. That was the dilemma. I ended up taking an assignment that was closer to home this time and actually in my own state. It’s still far away enough to be considered travel but close enough to drive to on working days and back home. I’m happy to get to sleep in my own bed but I already miss the prior assignment and the people I worked with there.

Being a traveler is interesting in that you get to see all the things hospitals do differently. Some are good and some, not so much. I got my curriculum from the new facility on Friday. I’m always amazed at the things that different places deem important. One of the things I was supposed to do was contact my supervisor before Monday. Well, this was Friday. I did call and left a voicemail but she never called me back. I guess, I did my part? I hope they feel the same way. Another thing I read was I was supposed to be ready to give a urine sample for a drug test. I don’t see where this will be a problem since I’m driving over an hour to get there drinking coffee or tea. The issue I have with this and a couple of other things is this. I just had a drug test done 2 weeks ago. Also, I’m supposed to have a ppd gold test done. For those of you who don’t know what that is, as I didn’t either, it’s a blood drawn tuberculosis test. Where most tuberculosis test are the skin test. That’s where they instill medicine under your skin and see if it reacts. I’ve had so many of these as a travel nurse I can’t even count. This facility however does not do those. My problem with this is, I just had one drawn. I thought I had to have it drawn to be able to take the job. However, I was informed that I would be having another drawn by them. Uh? Why? This is the sheer madness of being a travel nurse. Your company has you do things and then the facility redoes them. I’m thinking this is a complete waste of time and money. Besides the fact that it is a waste of my urine and blood! Craziness.

I got a little off subject there. But I was talking about different hospitals and their different ways of doing things. Another thing I read on the curriculum paper said, and I quote, “We are a perfume free facility.” Okay? So, are you a “pro body odor” facility? I think this is totally ridiculous. I like to smell good. I know how to, not overdo it. I mean, I didn’t fall off the nursing truck yesterday, but I’m not coming to work smelling like dirty underarms or God forbid, dirty ass. Please people, some of us sweat. Even if I put perfume on it’s going to be mostly sweated off by the first start of the shift. Anyway, I’m thinking they did say “perfume free” not “cologne free” so maybe that’s doable? I can’t afford “perfume” anyways,[Insert devious laugh here].

Another thing is I have to fill out six pages of medical history. Six pages? I don’t even think I have six pages worth of medical history? These are the things that I have to do that I don’t get paid for. This is to be done when I show up at Employee Health on Monday morning. Wow. Is all I can say to that.

Travel Nursing is not for the faint of heart. It’s like starting a new job every 13 weeks. It is now Saturday and my stomach feels sick already. As I’ve stated before, in a previous post, I’m a closet introvert. The idea of having to speak in front of a room full of people I don’t know, petrifies me. But I know the drill by now and I know that we will have to do this, all of us scared new people. “We’re going to go around the room and just tell your name, where you’re from and what department you’ll be working in.” That will be the inevitable speech. Then they may make it worse by asking us to tell something personal about ourselves, like if we are married or have kids or pets and the like. Ugh! I hate this crap. Number one, nobody cares! None of us really care! We are already scared shitless and don’t care if Betty Sue is married and has fifteen grandkids. I don’t care and I’m sure she doesn’t care if I have four dogs. Really.

The other part of starting a new assignment that I hate is, the getting lost part. I finally found my way around the old facility and now I get to stand in the middle of everything with that, I have no clue as to where I am, look of confusion on my face. But, I am working in the south and I’m from the south and in spite of what people think about our culture, we are quite friendly people and someone will see my look of confusion and try to help me. However, also knowing that, being from the south, our directions can be rather vague, “Yep. You just go a little ways down yonder and take a rite at the yeller elevater and look fer the…” Okay, so that is not how we actually talk, well, most of us don’t talk like that. That was my best fake ‘Steel Magnolias’ accent. But we can be bad direction givers.

And so, I’m mentally preparing for the dreaded first day. I know that Sunday night I won’t be able to sleep and I know that Monday is upon me. I will try to push the thought out of my mind, but as I know, unsuccessfully. I know that I will leave my house ridiculously early on Monday. I can’t stand to be late, now that I’m old. I had abosolutely no problem being late in high school. I will, hopefully arrive and get my bearings before I have to be at Employee Health. I will do my test and have the dreadful name tag picture taken. It all just comes with the territory of being a Gypsy Nurse.

Let Me Introduce Myself

How do I introduce myself? Let’s see here. I guess my name is usually a good place to start. My name is Karen. My blog is named kayrayiam because Kayray is my nickname dubbed by my one and only sister Cindy or Cyndi as she likes to spell herself. I will probably not punctuate my sentences correctly so if this happens to bother you then you may not want to read my blog. I am originally from China Grove, North Carolina and now live in the big city of Salisbury also in North Carolina. I am in my forties. I am very much a woman even though I get called sir too much for my personal liking. This happens on the phone and in person. I like to think of myself as more androgynous. I still like things that are feminine and can still put on some make up but I prefer men’s clothes, scents, shoes, and even topics of conversations. I have always had a deeper alto tone to my voice and I guess this is the reason for the mistaken identity on the phone but with a name like Karen, it doesn’t last for long. My voice is a gift and I love to sing and have sang publicly many times in my life. I wouldn’t say it is ever easy but it’s doable. I love music and music is a huge part of who I am. I love beauty and can see it all around me in an array of things art, nature, people, architecture, in the biggest things like the stars at night, in the smallest things like a humming bird. I love to surround myself with beauty. I have many art pieces in my home. I have pottery and old pieces of furniture. I have expensive taste in things and this gets me into trouble sometimes. I also am intrigued with technology. I wouldn’t say I’m a techno geek however. I like cars, old cars to be exact and old houses and history. I really do believe that old things really are the best but modern convenience is nice too. I see myself as an old soul and have always had interest in things that are historical. Science, medicine, politics, human rights, animal rights, women’s rights, music, art, antiques, interior design, psychology, sports especially pro football and college basketball, travel, photography, genetics, guns, pop culture, religions and the list goes on. It all intrigues my mind. I tend to go to extremes on anything and everything. I read in excess. I’m always reading a book or working on one of my own. I have written poetry since I was young and will probably share some of that on here.

I am a Registered Nurse and I am a Travel Nurse. This is a job where you work for a travel company that finds hospitals and all other healthcare institutions, nurses and other healthcare staff, when they are in need. I sign a contract after I have interviewed and been offered a job by the hospital or wherever and the contract is usually anywhere from 4-13 weeks in length. I am not married and I don’t have any human children but I do have 5 from the animal kingdom. I have 4 dogs and a bearded dragon(that’s a lizard for those of you who don’t know). My Mom and Dad have been divorced since I was 7 years old. I had a Stepfather but he passed away it has been at least 16 years ago. He’s the one my mom left my dad and us for. Since my Dad is no longer married to my Evil Stepmonster and hasn’t been since I was 15. I don’t consider her part of my life anymore but unfortunately for me and my sister she will never be completely gone out of our nightmares. From that marriage I had two stepbrothers. One of them will still speak to me and one won’t. That’s life though and it’s his loss. This is all getting a little too personal of a subject for me so let’s keep it light, in the intro anyway.

I believe in life you are always learning and I have plans to go back to school and get my F.N.P.  or maybe even do G.N.P. eventually. For those not well versed in titles that would be Family Nurse Practitioner or Geriatric Nurse Practitioner. I would love to do missions work and have done it locally but I want to do it internationally.

I have a wild and crazy thought process and my mind is constantly going. Getting it out in words is a healthy process for me to do but sometimes it may not make as much sense to others as it did to me in my head. I am very open minded and tend to be able to see things from opposite ends of the spectrum at the same time. I have in my life been a very religious person and I’ve not been. I have passionate views on things and tend to speak my mind on subjects that other people are scared to talk about. I have a vast amount of interests. I hate boring and love being an original. There’s only one like me because the world couldn’t handle two. I have a roommate who is also my best friend and not with benefits. I do believe in “soul mates” and “twin flames” and I don’t believe I’ve found mine yet. I love animals and I can’t stand to see them be mistreated. Yes, I cry every time those commercials come on. Though normally I am not a very emotional person. I love travel and want to eventually explore the world. I weigh more than I should and I’m working on that. I love to eat rich and indulgent food. I don’t like to exercise and can be somewhat lazy. Thus the extra weight. I am a master of procrastination but I’m working on that. I have a lot of aquantinances but few close friends. I am a very private person and don’t feel that everything in my life is everyone else’s business. I do not have a Facebook account for this reason. In this day and age of reality television I realize that being a private person is a rareity. I don’t like drama and will run as far as I can away from it. I have had only two serious relationships in my life. As I said before my private life is my private life. I’m not a hugger or a touchy feely kind of person and never have been. I definately don’t do PDA, public displays of affection. Though I’m a sensualist at heart. I think this is a lot due to how I was raised. I was raised mostly by my Dad and the only woman I had in my life for a long time was my Grandma. My Grandma was my rock and only stable person in my childhood. She was also not a very feminine woman. She wore plaid flannel shirts, jeans, and carried a wallet in her back pocket but she also did dress up and put on a dress and makeup to go to the Kingdom Hall on Sunday’s and on Saturdays to go “Witnessing” my dad’s family were J. W.’s, Jehovahs Witness. My moms dad was a ordained Methodist minister that was the pastor of a Baptist church. Guess you can figure out quite quickly that I have been exposed to many different beliefs. None of which I think hold all the answers, by the way. Guess my religious beliefs could be classified as “it’s complicated”. That is truly enough about me now.

The reason I wanted to start a blog is honestly even though I can talk someone’s ear off after I get to know them and people don’t often believe me. I don’t do well in crowds of people or with people I don’t know. I am a closet introvert. Amongst all the other skeletons I’m shoving back in there as we speak. With that being said, Welcome to my blog. I hope you enjoy my sarcastic take on life and more often than not, a little morbid. Nice to meet you.